


Somebody Save Me Now

by xhorizen



Category: Hanson (Band)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Brother/Brother Incest, Childhood Sexual Abuse, M/M, Suicidal Ideation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-29
Updated: 2019-03-21
Packaged: 2019-09-02 01:26:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 13
Words: 31,243
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16776859
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xhorizen/pseuds/xhorizen
Summary: When trauma from Zac's past comes back to haunt him, he is forced to confront the worst years of his life.





	1. Chapter 1

** Present Day **

Cold sweat was always the first sign that Zac was having a nightmare. Taylor would wake up in the middle of the night, often stirred by small whimpers or the occasional leg kick, to see his brother laying next to him, his face covered in sweat, and he knew he was in for a long night. Sometimes, he only made pitiful noises in his sleep for the rest of the night, accompanied with cries for help, for someone to save him from the monsters in his dreams. Other times, he would wake himself up crying, so worked up that his heart was racing and he was almost hyperventilating. Taylor would reach out and wrap an arm around shoulders, trying to ignore the crazy eyes Zac gave him at first, and pulled him down to lay on his chest. It would take a few minutes, but eventually Zac’s breathing would even out to match the beating of his heart and he would stop crying. Most nights, he didn’t talk about the nightmares – He had told Taylor once that talking about it just made it more real, and while he didn’t necessarily agree with that logic, he knew if he tried to push his brother to talk, he would just drive him away. Instead, they would lay together, awake, for hours, until finally Zac would fall back asleep. Only then did Taylor allow himself to follow. 

Mornings after nightmares were often awkward – Zac didn’t want to mention it, Taylor wanted to talk, and both were sleep deprived. Taylor always let Zac win, it was his trauma after all that caused the nightmares, but that didn’t stop him from wanting to do something, anything, to help his little brother. The amount of pain Zac was in on a daily basis wasn’t obvious to that many people, almost none actually, except for Taylor. Zac was great at putting up a front, being the goofy guy, making jokes and causing others to laugh, but Taylor could see the darkness hidden in his eyes. He was the only one who knew the reason behind it, however, which often made him think maybe that was the only reason he could see it at all. If he didn’t know, would he just buy Zac’s act as well? The thought crossed his mind more than once a day, and it haunted him. He wished he had known earlier, he wished he could have stopped anything from happening to Zac, tarnishing his view of the world at such a young age, but since he couldn’t go back in time, he could only promise to himself and to Zac to make sure his future was enough to make up for the years of suffering. His purpose in life was to make Zac happy. 

The nightmares seemed to be increasing in frequency that summer – They were on tour constantly, promoting the heck out of their Greatest Hits album, and everyone was constantly exhausted, and the exhaustion seemed to affect Zac the worst out of all of them. At least three nights a week, Taylor would be woken up by the sound of the TV turning on in the back lounge, a telltale sign that Zac was firing up his Xbox. He didn’t think too much of it at first, getting used to being back on the road was hard, but once they had been on the road for four weeks and Zac was still staying awake for days at a time, Taylor began to worry. He tried to ignore it, he didn’t want to embarrass his brother or worse, piss him off, but when he was woken up for the fifth night in a row after playing back to back shows, he knew he needed to do something. His phone display said it was four AM and he groaned as he hauled himself out of the bunk. He padded down the hall to the lounge and stopped in the doorway, leaning against it, unable to keep a smile off of his face as his eyes locked with Zac’s.  
“Shit, I’m sorry, is it too loud?” Zac instantly reached for the remote and jabbed at a few buttons, the volume turning down as he did. Taylor shook his head and walked over to the couch, curling up next to Zac and laying his head in his lap. 

“No, you’re fine. Just came to see why you weren’t asleep.” Zac dropped a hand into his hair for a minute, running his fingers through it slowly. That was Taylor’s kryptonite and Zac knew it, but he was too tired to fight him off. 

“I just had a bad dream.” Zac whispered before bringing his hand back to his controller and resuming his game. 

Taylor tried to stay awake, his eyes watched the TV, trying to keep track of what was going on and who was killing who, but suddenly he woke with a start, realizing he had managed to fall asleep at some point. The TV was off and he took a minute to gather his bearings in the dark. At some point, Zac had maneuvered them so that they were laying down, Taylor’s head on Zac’s chest, and he realized what had caused him to wake up. Zac was twitching under him while he murmured something under his breath, though the words were too low to make out. Taylor propped himself up on an elbow and ran a hand over Zac’s chest, trying to reassure him of his presence without waking him up, but instead of soothing him, it just seemed to agitate him even more. 

“Stop, no more, please.” Zac moaned out, bringing his hands to his chest and pushing Taylor’s hand off of him. Taylor felt his heart break, he sounded so helpless and broken. He put his hand back on Zac’s chest and started shaking him a little. 

“Zac, it’s just a dream, you need to wake up.” Zac groaned again and thrashed his head back and forth a few times. 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, please just stop!” Taylor shook him harder and raised his voice. 

“Zac, wake up. You’re dreaming.” He moved his hand from his chest to his shoulder and grasped it firmly before shaking him even harder. Zac started, his eyes flying open, looking at Taylor as though he didn’t know who he was. Before Taylor could react, Zac pushed him off of the couch and jumped up, putting as much distance between him and his brother as he could. Taylor landed hard, his hand ending up between his hip and the floor and he groaned – that was going to be sore later. He managed to pull himself up and drew back from Zac, knowing he needed his space based on the look on his face. “Zac, it’s just me.” Zac looked at him, recognition slowly seeping into his eyes. Taylor took a few steps forward and Zac met him halfway, practically collapsing in his arms. 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to.” Taylor heard the tears in his voice and he managed to get them to the couch before closing his arms around Zac’s shoulders, holding him to him as tight as he could. 

“Don’t apologize, it’s fine, you were asleep, it’s not your fault.” He felt moisture through his shirt, Zac must have cried enough to soak through the material, which honestly worried him because he could normally get a hold on his tears pretty quickly once awake. 

“I can’t stop seeing him, Tay. Everytime I close my eyes, I see his face and I hear his voice and I feel the things he did to me and I can’t sleep, I can’t sleep because then I’m 12 years old again and I can’t be 12 again, Tay, I can’t do it again, I can’t, I can’t!” Tears sprang to Taylor’s eyes as Zac struggled to catch his breath in between talking. 

“Zac, you’re not 12 anymore, you’re older now, he can’t hurt you anymore!” He knew that trying to talk logically wasn’t necessarily the best approach, but maybe if he could break Zac out of his head, he could calm down enough to see rationally. 

“I know, Tay, I know.” He pulled back from his brother and wiped at his face with his shirt. “I know, okay, but when I’m asleep, it doesn’t matter how old I am now, it only matters how old I was back then and what he fucking did to me.” Taylor grabbed one of Zac’s hands and squeezed it tight, trying to send all of his strength through it – Zac certainly needed it more than he did. 

“You’ve been having more nightmares than usual.” Taylor said softly, not wanting to set him off again. “Did something happen?’ He expected Zac to shake his head, to deny it, but instead, his little brother bit his bottom lip for a minute before nodding. “Can you tell me about it?” Zac looked down at Taylor’s hand in his and didn’t move for a few seconds before nodding again. They sat there for another minute, Taylor knew it wasn’t going to be easy for Zac to admit what he was going to, so he didn’t push. Finally, Zac let go of his hand and got up from the couch, moving to the table by the door to his bad. He rummaged through the items on it before pulling his phone out. He hit a few buttons and screwed his face up in disgust a few times before he walked back over to the couch and sat down again.  
“I don’t want this to change anything, Tay, but I have a really bad feeling it’s going to.” Taylor reached for the phone and after a little hesitation, Zac handed it to him. He looked down at the screen and read the headline a few times before it he could comprehend what he was reading. 

_“Warner Bros. Records A &R EVP Jeff Fenster Exits Label After Harassment Claims”_ screamed up at him. He let the phone drop from his grip as he looked back up at Zac. Zac could barely meet his eyes, but he reached out and cupped his cheek, before leaning in and giving him a brief kiss on the lips. He leaned his forehead against Zac’s and sighed. He wanted to say something, wanted to make Zac feel better, but he knew words wouldn’t fix what Zac was feeling. Instead, he just wrapped his arms around him and held him tight, protecting him from the world in the only way he could.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for sexual abuse - not terribly graphic, but enough that I feel the need to warn for it, despite the tags.

** Past - 1997 **

It had started off innocent enough – Jeff would show up in the studio under the premise of watching his newest superstars, needing to protect the talent, as he called it. At 12, Zac didn’t realize how unusual that situation was, but he wasn’t overly concerned no matter what – He was getting paid to play the drums and make music, the only two things he had ever wanted to do with his whole life. If that meant some old guy was going to watch him over his shoulder as he played, well then, whatever. He could tune him out.

Things started getting weirder when Jeff asked Walker if he could hire someone to come in and coach Zac on his drumming. He was hurt, no one had ever told him he needed coaching or a teacher or anything like that. He taught himself and he was pretty freaking good at it, if he did say so himself, and he did. He protested, loudly, to his father, not wanting to spend even more time cooped up in the studio. He wanted to get out and explore LA, wanted to be a kid, even though he knew those days were numbered. Walker was stern, reminding him how lucky he was to have this opportunity, and with that, he was resigned to his fate. Twice a week, when Isaac and Taylor left for the day, Zac was forced to stay behind, watching someone Jeff had hired show him how to properly hit a drum. It only took three weeks of that before he ended up throwing a fit and running out of the studio. That one hadn’t gone over too well, Jeff called Walker and Walker gave it to Zac, yelling at him about how much money and time he had wasted. Zac tried to protest, tried to tell him it was just a waste of time, but what did he know? He was only 12.

After that incident, Jeff started spending more time with Zac one on one, telling Walker he was more than happy teaching him the ways of being a pop star, blah blah blah. Walker ate it up, sentencing Zac to his doom. Jeff would sit in a room with Zac and just talk, telling him stories about famous people he knew and all of the things around the world he had seen. Before long, Zac didn’t really hate the meetings so much as he was looking forward to them – Maybe he had been wrong about Jeff, maybe he wasn’t such a bad guy. After all, what old person would willingly spend so many hours a week with a kid, right?

The day everything changed began like any other, Zac was hyper from all of the Mountain Dew he had consumed and was practically bouncing on the balls of his feet when Jeff made it to their meeting place. He could tell the older man was irritated by his energy, but he couldn’t help it – Once he got going, it was hard for him to wind down. Jeff was in the middle of a particularly boring story, one that Zac was sure he had heard more than once before, when he interrupted himself.

“Zac, you’re killing me, stop fidgeting so much!” Zac grinned at him and shrugged his shoulders.

“I don’t know how, Jeff! I try to keep it all bottled up inside, but then it just blows up out of me and I can’t keep still!” Surprisingly, Jeff had smiled at him and gotten up from his chair to drag it over to where Zac was sitting. He placed a hand on Zac’s thigh and looked up at him with a glint in his eye, a look that made Zac nervous, scared even, but he just smiled, trying to figure out what it was he wanted.

“You know Zac, I know something that will help you settle down.” He moved his hand up Zac’s thigh and Zac looked up at him before placing his hand over top of the older man’s.

“What are you doing?” Zac’s voice was shaky, he tried to keep it still, didn’t want to betray the hesitation, the fear, that he was feeling, but he knew he had failed when Jeff’s smile got even bigger.

“Just let me take care of you, Zac. Don’t worry about it, okay? Everyone does this, it’s one of the things no one talks about and everyone does, you remember I talked to you about that before?” Zac nodded slowly, unsure exactly what the thing was, exactly. Jeff’s hand moved further up his thigh, finally stopping to rest it over top of his crotch. Zac tried to pull away, but Jeff reached out with his other hand and grasped his shoulder, keeping him still. “Just let me take care of you.”

The words echoed in his head the entire time Jeff manhandled him. As soon as his zipper was down, he tried to disassociate, wanting to be anywhere but in his current situation, but nothing could stop him from the feeling of a hand wrapping around his dick, pulling on it and tugging, hurting him more than anything. He was crying, almost sobbing, before he realized he even was, and he brought his hands up to his face, trying to hide from the shame he felt. When he finally got off, he felt horrible – How could he have enjoyed something like that, something so impersonal and gross? He didn’t even like Jeff that way! Why did he let him do that?

Before they left, Jeff grabbed his wrists and squeezed them hard, enough to make Zac whimper in pain. “Remember what I said, Zac, this stays between us, okay? This is just one of those things, and you’re willing to do that, right?” Zac stared at the floor, not wanting to make eye contact, still feeling as though he may cry at any moment. Jeff squeezed his wrists ever harder and Zac’s head shot up with a yelp, nodding fiercely, anything to get away from the man. “Good boy.” He dropped his wrists and Zac shoved his hands in his pocket, practically sprinting from the room.

The rest of the summer was spent alternating between recording an album and hanging out with Jeff. The more Jeff and he were together alone, the less they talked and the more the older man used him. Things escalated quickly from masturbation to Jeff showing Zac his dick, to then requesting Zac put his mouth on it. He really tried to get away from that one, there was no way he wanted to try to do that, but Jeff threatened to yank the band’s contact and who was he to be the one to lose he and his brothers their entire life’s work? He choked so much that he actually threw up afterward, tears mixing with snot mixing with vomit running down his face. He couldn’t look at himself in the mirror for weeks after that first incident, feeling so disgusting and weak.

Isaac and Taylor soon grew jealous of all of the extra time he got to spend with Jeff. They argued with Walker multiple times about how it wasn’t fair that Zac was getting so much attention, and shouldn’t Jeff be giving equal attention to every member of the band, after all, they were a unit, not individuals! Zac just curled up on the couch, wrapping his arms around his legs, wanting so badly to yell at his brothers that they could have it, they could have all of the private time, and all of the behaviors that went with it, but as Jeff kept reminding him, this was just one of those things that everyone did and no one talked about, so he kept his mouth shut.

The end of summer had never brought so much relief to Zac before. He normally lived for summer, spending time in the pool, out in the sun, rollerblading and playing hide and seek, but the end of summer now signified time to go back to Tulsa and time to get away from Jeff. The record was recorded and in the hands of the bigwigs who would determine if it was good enough to go out to the public or not. Tulsa felt like a warm hug, he felt like he could finally breathe again, away from Jeff and away from all of the pressure of being famous, even though he wasn’t even famous yet. It was too much pressure for a 12 year old, he decided, but he couldn’t do anything about it. Diana noticed a marked change in his behavior and tried to talk to him about it multiple times. He cried in her arms so at least once a day for a week straight when he got home, but he couldn’t tell her why. The look of confusion and hurt on her face was very evident to Zac, but he couldn’t tell her what was going on, he couldn’t be responsible for crushing his parents dreams – That’s what they were, after all. The band wasn’t just him and his brothers dream, his parents had poured so much love and sweat and energy into helping them do what they loved to do, how could he repay them by ruining everything?

She tried to talk to him about seeing a counselor, but he managed to brush her off after a few weeks, putting his emotions off on just being a kid and being under a lot of pressure and being really happy to be home again. She didn’t quite look like she believed him, but he kept his fingers crossed and eventually she stopped bugging him about it. Weeks turned into months and before he knew it, it was Christmas. The phone ringing on Christmas morning wasn’t unusual, however, the news on the other line was – Walker called his three oldest sons into the kitchen and rounded them up, wrapping his arms around them as he smiled and laughed and congratulated them. The record company had decided their album was worthy of being released and they were going to be rock stars. Zac painted on a smile, trying to act the part, but as soon as he could, he ran up to his room and hid under his covers. Where else was he supposed to hide from a monster?


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Semi-Graphic sexy times, if you need a warning for that. 
> 
> Comments make my heart flutter!!!

** Present Day **

When the North American leg of the Middle of Everywhere tour started, Zac thought he was going to kill himself. He had barely made it through the Australian and European legs, leaning heavily on Taylor and Jim Beam to get through the days. He could see the worry in Taylor’s face, knew that his drinking was reminding him of years ago, but he just couldn’t bring himself to care enough to stop. Anytime the guilt started to eat away at him, he would try to get through the day without a drink, but then he would close his eyes and Jeff’s face would loom over him and he just couldn’t handle it. Taylor tried to talk to him, tried to get him to agree to go to counseling, talk to someone, but he couldn’t do it. He was a grown ass man, why was he still getting so worked up over something that had happened so long ago? Therapy seemed like a waste of time to him, and even if he agreed to it, they weren’t in one place for long enough to get him a steady counselor anyway, so that was just out of the question. 

August turned into September and he was dragging. He managed a handful of hours of sleep every few days, and could barely function. He forgot lyrics to songs he had known for over 20 years, he couldn’t keep the beat unless he was really trying, and he knew that he was really letting down the fans, and his brothers. It wasn’t that he wanted to be a failure, but he just didn’t know how to move on. Even sleeping in the back lounge with Taylor’s arms around him did little to make him feel better, which was really saying something because Taylor normally had the ability to make his entire world better. 

The tour finally ended and Zac felt like he could breathe just a little easier. He wanted nothing more than to go home and sleep in his own bed and pretend that nothing else existed. Taylor drove them home, more quiet than he had been in while, which put Zac on edge. Taylor barely knew the meaning of the word quiet, so if he wasn’t talking, it was because he was thinking and THAT was never a good sign for Zac. The pulled up to their house and piled everything in, throwing suitcases into the laundry room, knowing full well they wouldn’t be dealing with laundry or unpacking for at least a few days. Zac tried to slip down the hall to the bathroom unnoticed, but Taylor followed him, unable to leave well enough alone. 

“I just wanna shower, Tay, okay? I’ll be fine.” He tried to walk past his brother, but Taylor reached out and grabbed his hand, keeping him still. 

“I’m worried about you, Zac. Why won’t you talk to me?” 

“There’s nothing to talk about Taylor, please.” The last word came out in a pleading tone and he winced, hating how weak he sounded. Taylor looked into his eyes and shook his head, but then sighed and dropped his hand.  
“I love you. You know that, right? And I’m always here for you.” A lump formed in Zac’s throat and he had to swallow hard in order to speak again. 

“Shower with me?” He couldn’t think of anything else to say and hoped that the invitation would be enough to get his point across. Taylor didn’t smile or nod, he simply turned and went to the bathroom, turning on the water and getting it to the right temperature. Zac stripped naked and stepped into the stall, leaning his face into the hot stream, sighing when he felt Taylor join him. Taylor wrapped his arms around his waist and pressed his face into his back, placing a kiss on the back of his neck. A hint of a smile formed on Zac’s face, the first real one in months, and he turned around in the other man’s arms before looking up into his eyes. “I love you, too Tay.” He leaned up and kissed him, slowly at first, but then Taylor licked at his lips and he opened his mouth and oh, his stomach clenched hot and tight and he surged forward, backing Taylor up against the wall of the shower stall. He grabbed at his hips and dug his fingers in, rolling his hips against Taylor’s and groaning. 

Taylor brought his hands from around his waist and moved them up so that his fingers were threaded in Zac’s hair, tugging lightly, just like Zac liked. He moaned and thrust his hips into Taylor’s, aching for some relief. They hadn’t been together in a while, it was hard to have sex in a tour bus with their older brother right there, and suddenly Zac felt like he needed to be with Taylor, show him how much he loved him, in the only way he knew how. He slotted a leg between Taylor’s and pressed up, enjoying the moan that pulled from his throat. He moved one hand from his waist to his nipple and rolled it between his fingers, enjoying the feeling as it turned hard under his touch. 

“Fuck, Zac.” Taylor leaned his head back against the stall and thrust his hips against Zac’s, groaning as his cock rubbed against his thigh. Zac bit his lip as his hips met Taylor’s and closed his eyes, moaning at the pleasure he felt. Taylor reached down and grasped his dick in his hand, causing Zac to jump a little, but as soon as he started squeezing and jerking his hand up and down, he relaxed again, letting himself get lost in the sensation. He thrust his hips up into Taylor’s hand, crying out when Taylor let him go. He opened his eyes and looked into his brother’s eyes, suddenly lost in the lust he saw. 

He dropped to his knees without thinking about it, suddenly feeling the need to wrap his lips around Taylor’s cock, lick at the head, pull cries of pleasure out of him. Taylor looked down at him, a brief look of worry flitting across his face. “Y-you don’t have to…” He trailed off, but Zac shook his head. He wasn’t letting anything ruin the moment. 

“I want to.” He stated before taking Taylor’s dick in hand and taking the head into his mouth. A thunk from above him caused him to look up – Taylor’s head had fallen back against the glass, and Zac felt a surge of pride, he had barely done anything and already his brother was falling apart. He closed his eyes and let his mouth sink further down the shaft, stopping when he felt as though he might choke. He pushed his tongue up against the bottom of his dick as he pulled back, sucking lightly as he did so. Taylor’s fingers found their way to his hair again and kept his head still as he started to thrust his hips into Zac’s mouth. 

Panic started to flood Zac, he tried to make it go away, tried to remember that this was Taylor, the man he loved, someone he wanted to be with, but when he tried to pull his head away and he couldn’t, the panic overtook his brain. Memories flooded his mind, being 13 years old and forced to his knees to pleasure a man his father’s age, choking on his dick to the point that he threw up while crying out and begging to be let go. Tears filled his eyes and he pulled back as hard as he could, his eyes popping open when Taylor let him go. 

He scrambled against the floor of the shower until his back hit the other side of the stall, sobs wrenching from his body as he curled up into himself. “Don’t hurt me, please don’t hurt me.” He cried out, still lost in the memories from all those years ago. He felt someone sit down next to him and then arms were wrapped around his shoulders, causing him to flinch away. The arms didn’t let him go though, and he opened his eyes, almost shocked to see Taylor there. He tried to pull away again, but Taylor just squeezed him even harder. 

“Zac, it’s just me, baby, please, it’s just me.” Taylor’s voice broke the spell and Zac sagged into his embrace, wrapping his own arms around the other man’s waist. He buried his face into his chest and clung to him as though he was the most important person on earth. He tried to stop crying, but the more he tried to hold it in, the more he kept sobbing. He started shaking despite still being under the hot water and he grasped onto his brother even harder, finally just letting the tears flow as they wanted to. 

“I’m sorry, Tay, I’m so sorry.” Taylor smoothed a hand over his hair before speaking. 

“Don’t apologize, Z, it’s okay. This isn’t your fault, please don’t apologize.” The fact that he was being so considerate made Zac almost feel even worse, but he just tried to take his words at face value instead of reading into them too much. They stayed curled up together on the floor of the shower until the water started to run cold. By that time, Zac has managed to stop crying, though his breathing was still extremely ragged. Taylor hauled the both of them to their feet and fiddled with the hot water knob. Once the water was hot again, Taylor pushed Zac under the stream, running his fingers through his hair before adding shampoo. Zac wanted to protest, to tell him he could take care of himself, but the feeling of being cared for was too good to pass up - He hadn’t realized just how much he missed Taylor’s touch. 

Taylor dragged him to bed as soon as they were done in the shower. Zac didn’t protest, too tired to put up any kind of fight, he simply let himself be pushed down onto the bed before Taylor joined him. He pulled the covers up over them and turned onto his side, slotting his chest against Zac’s back. Zac leaned back into him before reaching back and grabbing his arm, pulling it around his body. They lay like that for a few minutes before Zac spoke. “Do you ever wish that you were normal?” 

“What does that even mean?” 

“I mean, do you ever wish that you had gotten married and had kids instead of being in a secret relationship with your brother?” Taylor sighed and tightened his hold on Zac. 

“Honestly, Z, no, I really don’t. If that’s what it means to be normal, I’m really glad I’m not.” 

“Do you ever wish that I was normal? Like I wasn’t so fucking damaged?” It was a fear he had had for years, something he had never voiced, and as soon as the words came out of his mouth, he wished he could take them back. Taylor stilled behind him and he held his breath, really not wanting to hear the answer. 

“You’re not damaged, Zac.” He leaned up on his elbow and hovered over Zac, looking down into his eyes. “I love you just the way you are. You’ve gone through more shit in your life than most people do and you’re still here, making it work.” Zac snorted a little, drinking himself silly every night most certainly wasn’t making it work, but Taylor kept talking. “I wish I could change what happened to you, but only because it shouldn’t have happened. No one deserves to go through what you did, but if you think that makes you any less of a person, you’re so wrong.” He leaned down and pressed a kiss to his forehead. “I love you, Zachary Walker Hanson, and I really wish you loved you, too.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to everyone who has read so far, I love the comments and knowing what you all think, it keeps me writing!

** Past - 2000 **

Zac was 15 years old when Kate Tucker came into his life. She was a quasi-package deal with Taylor’s then girlfriend, Natalie, and while it took a little while for Zac to enjoy her presence, he eventually grew to like her company. She wasn’t pushy like a lot of people he knew, and she wasn’t overly affectionate. He didn’t even realize that they were dating until Taylor asked him about it once, telling him that Natalie and Kate gushed about their famous boyfriends all the time to each other. His eyes grew big and his jaw dropped, did he want a girlfriend? Didn’t that have some kind of… Expectation to go along with it?

He knew he needed to talk to her, but at the same time, he was terrified. He could barely even keep eye contact with her for a long period of time, how could he tell her why he couldn’t have sex with her? He was 15 years old, for god sake, he should have been knocking down her door trying to get into her pants, but then the thought of being intimate with someone… Made him want to throw up and cry and die all at the same time. He wanted to be normal, but he didn’t know how. 

He got his chance when Natalie and Kate joined them on tour for a week, something they had had to spend a lot of time begging their parents to allow. Zac still thought it was pretty stupid, if he was being honest, allowing a couple of 16 year old girls to come on the road with a band. Sure, they were chaperoned and never in any kind of harm, but that wasn’t the point – They were all underage and they shouldn’t have been left to galavant around the country together, dammit! Then again, what kind of 15 year old guy wouldn’t wish for that kind of opportunity? He tried to talk to Isaac about it, to open up a little about his fears, but his oldest brother just brushed him off, telling him to enjoy the time while he still could. He almost cried with disappointment, why couldn’t he just talk to his brother about something that was bothering him? 

The first couple of nights went pretty smoothly, Natalie and Kate stayed in the back lounge on the pull out couch and no one tried to sneak to the back or sneak to the bunks to start any kind of inappropriate behavior, and Zac felt like maybe he could get through their visit. Kate was cute, holding his hand and giggling at the stupid things he said, he didn’t even know he was being funny if he was being honest, maybe Kate was just laughing at him and not with him? Why couldn’t he just be like Taylor? He had Natalie completely wrapped around his finger, he could probably ask her to kill a rabid fan for him and she would do it in one second. The confidence that exuded off of him was just… awe inducing, and Zac found himself unable to look away sometimes. Maybe he couldn’t learn it, maybe it was something he had to be born with?

After the show on the third night, Zac and Taylor took turns taking quick showers in the bathroom at the venue before getting onto the tour bus, Natalie and Kate already waiting for them. Natalie immediately got up and wrapped herself around Taylor, attaching her lips to him. Zac couldn’t help but roll his eyes, couldn’t they wait until they were in private, or at the very least, until they weren’t blocking Zac’s escape? He pushed them out of the way lightly and made his way to the couch to sit next to Kate. She smiled up at him shyly and reached out for his hand. He smiled and grabbed hold, threading their fingers together before sitting down. 

“You did amazing tonight.” Kate’s voice was a little hoarse and Zac laughed.

“I see you were screaming enough for the entire crowd?” He reached out with his free hand and poked her in the side, causing her to laugh and swat his hand away. He sat down next to her and slid an arm around her waist, pulling her to his side before pressing a kiss to her cheek. 

“I have a talented boyfriend, why wouldn’t I want to cheer him on?” He tried not to react at the _b_ word, he still really didn’t particularly like it, but it seemed important to Kate that they have a label, so he tried to make it work, for her. 

“Right, why wouldn’t you?” He echoed back absent-mindedly, turning to look around the bus. Natalie and Taylor had moved from the middle of the room to the bench seats at the table, lips still connected. He honestly just wanted to punch them, didn’t they realize how much pressure they put on him with their constant making out?! He sighed and shook his head before looking back at Kate. She has an expression on her face that looked kind of… Sad? “You okay?” Kate shrugged and shook her head. 

“I guess. I’m just a little homesick maybe? I don’t really know, I’m just not feeling too good right now, I may go lay down in the back.” She stood up and looked down at him, extending a hand. “Join me?” 

Zac froze, what if she was trying to ask him to have sex? What if she was going to try to do something he really wasn’t ready for? They had barely moved past first base, but maybe she realized that Taylor and Natalie were having sex and she wanted to, too? He thought for a split second about declining to join her, but the sadness came back to her face and he couldn’t be responsible for keeping it there. “Sure.” He tried to smile as he took her hand and followed her down the hall to the back lounge. 

\--

Zac was at a loss for what to do. Kate and he were laying on the pull out couch, watching TV, but he could barely breathe. He felt like he was about to have a panic attack, but they weren’t even doing anything, so why was he reacting so poorly? His arms were wrapped around her shoulders and his face half buried on her hair, but he couldn’t relax. She wasn’t pushing him to do anything, she was just laying there, why was he so freaking tense?!

“You know, I can hear the cogs in your brain turning over and over.” Kate whispered teasingly, tilting her face so she could look at him. Zac felt his face flush and he averted his gaze, turning back to the TV. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He tried to sound nonchalant, but knew he came off more abrasive than anything else. He felt Kate stiffen in his arms and internally cursed himself because he was right. 

“Zac, don’t act like I’m stupid. I know something is wrong.” She pulled away from him and sat back on the bed, turning so that she was facing him as they talked. Zac bit his lip and shook his head, she could never know what was going on in his brain, not ever. 

“It’s nothing, Kate, I’m just tired. It’s been a long week.” Kate straightened her back defensively and Zac closed his eyes, knowing he had said something to upset her. 

“It’s been a long week? Well I’m sorry for cramping your rock star lifestyle, Zachary. I didn’t realize my being here would make you so tired.” Zac opened his eyes and looked at her, wanting to deny it, wanting to make her feel better, but he just couldn’t. 

“That’s not what I said, Kate.” The words came out weak, he could hear it himself, and he knew she wouldn’t buy it, but he had to try.

“No, but it’s what you meant.” Tears sprang to her eyes and he sat up, reaching out to put a hand on her shoulder. She flinched away from him and held a hand up. “Don’t touch me.” She blinked a few times before she seemed to get a hold on her emotions. “If you didn’t want me to be here, you should have just said so. I don’t want to be somewhere I’m not wanted.” 

“Kate, that’s not fair!” He wanted her there, he liked her companionship, but… He just didn’t like her the way she wanted him to. 

“No, Zac, you know what isn’t fair? I’ve put myself out there, 100%, and I still don’t know where you stand. I like you, for whatever reason I do, I can’t seem to really remember right now, but all I feel from you is hot and cold! You smile at me and I feel like I’m the only person who exists in your world, but then we are alone and it’s like all you can do is think about somewhere else you’d rather be!” He wanted to protest, wanted to tell her she was wrong, but he knew she wasn’t – He just didn’t realize how transparent he had been about it. 

“I never meant to hurt your feelings.” He said softly, reaching out and taking her hand. He expected her to pull away, to start yelling at him about what a jerk he was, but instead, she just sagged down into the bed, letting her body rest against his legs. 

“I know you didn’t, Zac, and that’s why it hurts even more. You didn’t even realize how I was feeling, and it just makes me think you never cared at all.”

“You’re one of my best friends, Katie.” He squeezed her hand and pulled her up to his chest. She lay her head on his chest and he wrapped his arms around her, holding her as tight as he could. “I just don’t know what to do here.”

“I think it’s probably best if we don’t talk for a while.” Zac nodded in agreement, though he really wasn’t okay with it. 

“Whatever you need, I’ll do it. I love you, Katie, I just… Not in that way, and I’m so sorry for hurting you.” Kate sniffed and he felt her body shaking from trying to repress the tears wanting to escape. 

“I think I knew this the whole time, ya know? But I just really wanted to be wrong.” He felt the anguish in her voice and wanted to badly to tell her why he couldn’t love her, why he couldn’t stand the thought of touching her so intimately, but he couldn’t. It would ruin everything. 

“I wish you were wrong too, Katie, I really wish you were. You’re everything I could ever want, I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to everyone who had been reading, commenting, and leaving kudos! 
> 
> For this chapter, there is a trigger warning for underage sexual abuse! It's not terribly explicit, but it's enough that I feel the need to warn again, other than just in the story tags. 
> 
> Feel free to leave a comment or drop me a message to let me know what you think!

** Early 2002 **

Gay was a term Zac never really considered himself – After everything that had happened in his life, he wasn’t entirely sure he was even meant to be a sexual person. He half considered himself to be asexual, but any time he tried to do research on the topic (in the rare opportunities of alone time he had), he didn’t really feel like that what he was. Just because he had dealt with sexual abuse didn’t mean he had to not be a sexual person right? 

After Kate and he broke up, Taylor and Natalie followed soon after. He never really got the full story as to why they broke up, but he had a bad feeling it had to do with Kate’s feelings being hurt and Natalie choosing her best friend over her boyfriend. He wished he could say he was sorry to see her go, but really, he wasn’t. He missed having Taylor all to himself, and with Natalie out of the picture, they were finally able to hang out and talk and do things the way they normally did, before any girls came into the picture. 

Fighting with the record label was emotionally exhausting. All Zac wanted to do was make music, but when it came down to it, someone had to want to record and release the music he made, and having to deal with all of the semantics that went along with everything just made it worse. The only good thing that came out of the record company fighting with the band was that Zac didn’t have to see Jeff for long periods of time. They would work out of a studio in their home basement in Tulsa, recording song after song, and sending it via email to the studio, and while it was tiring, Zac also felt free in a way he hadn’t felt in years. He didn’t have to worry about looking over his shoulder and making sure he wasn’t ever alone, shielding himself from Jeff, protecting himself so that he wasn’t in a position to be taken advantage of. At least in Tulsa, he was able to breathe freely and live his life. 

\--

Sunday family dinner was something Diana always insisted on – No matter what plans anyone had throughout the week, she insisted on the family being together at least once a week to bond and connect. At 16 years old, Zac really hated family dinners more than anything in the world, but that was mostly because they always seemed to come laden with some kind of bad news, in one way or another. He was the last to arrive at the table that Sunday night, and he earned a handful of dirty looks from his mother and sisters. He barely contained an eye roll, he didn’t understand what the big deal was, but sat down and bowed his head for the blessing. 

Once they were done praying, Zac lifted his fork and began shoveling food into his mouth, trying to eat as fast as possible so that he could retreat back to his room – He was in the middle of a huge campaign with his friends on their PlayStation game and he needed to be back as soon as possible. 

“Everyone, we are going to have a special guest coming to visit us for a couple of days.” Walker’s voice almost seemed to echo in the dining room as Zac’s eyes shot up to meet him. A feeling of dread creeped into his stomach and he could barely swallow the food in his mouth. “Jeff Fenster is going to be flying in from LA to watch you guys record some of your new music. He wants to provide some feedback to try to help you guys with everything that you seem to be struggling with.” A clank sounded from the table and it took Zac a second to realize that he had dropped his fork. His entire family stared at him in confusion and he hurried to pick it up, shaking his head, trying to shake them off. 

“Do you really think this is going to work?” Isaac sounded doubtful, and Taylor nodded in agreement. 

“They hate everything that we do, no matter how many times we talk to them about it before and afterward. How is having him here in person going to change anything?” Zac wanted to add something to what both of his brothers had to say, but he found he couldn’t speak. Instead, he just stared down at his plate, trying not to throw up. 

“Boys, don’t be so cynical. The record label wants to work with you, they want to release your next album. Why are you being so negative? Jeff coming here just shows you how much they want to make this work.” Walker’s statement made Zac snort with a humorless laugh. He didn’t even realize he had done it until he looked up and Walker was almost glaring at him. 

“Oh come on dad, he just wants to show that he’s done “everything he can do” to work with us and that we’re the problem. Stop acting like he’s perfect, he’s just a huge asshole.” The words that came out of his mouth shocked even him and before he realized it, he had gotten up from his chair. 

“Zachary Walker Hanson, there will be no tolerance of that language! You march up to your room for the rest of the night.” Diana’s voice was shrill and while he wanted to laugh, he knew he would just be invoking her wrath if he dared. Instead, he just rolled his eyes and headed upstairs – That’s where he wanted to be anyway. 

\--

Jeff Fenster’s presence in the Hanson house was enough to make Zac want to take his car and drive far away, never to come back. He had always had a sanctuary that Jeff couldn’t invade, on matter how little he was there, Zac could still call him his safe place. Jeff invading his safe place was number one of a long list of the worst things that Zac could have happening in his life, and he didn’t know how to handle it. He had started smoking pot at 14, it helped with his anxiety and ADD, but once Jeff was in his house, invading his sanctuary, no amount of pot was enough to calm his nerves. Instead, all it did was make him even more paranoid than he already felt, and he hated it. The doorbell ringing almost induced a panic attack, but he was able to pull himself together enough to dash down to the basement and hide behind his drum set. He knew Walker was probably expecting him to play host with the other two, but he couldn’t even bear to think of doing that, let alone actually doing it. 

Multiple sets of footsteps on the stairs alerted him that everyone was finally making their way to the basement. He held his breath as Taylor, then Isaac, then Walker, and finally, Jeff, appeared in front of him. He felt bile rising up his throat and quickly tried to swallow it down, not wanting Jeff to know what affect he was having on him. 

“Zac, so great to see you!” Jeff walked over to him and threw an arm around his shoulders, giving him a squeeze. He flinched away before he could realize what he was doing, and hoped no one else noticed. His heart started racing as Jeff looked down at him with that fucking smirk on his face, and he hopped up from his drum kit, desperate to put distance between them. Rationally, he knew nothing would happen while anyone else was around, but the feeling of being so powerless and small didn’t go away with that knowledge. 

“Erm, alright boys, why don’t you show Jeff what you’ve been working on?” Walker interrupted the awkward silence and clapped his hands together. They took their places behind their instruments and started to play, Zac trying hard to avert his gaze from the eyes across the room that just wouldn’t stop staring him down. 

They played for a couple of hours, taking breaks to talk with Jeff about lyrics and melodies, though Zac really couldn’t recall anything that was said. It didn’t matter anyway, none of the feedback was particularly nice or useful, just a bunch of garbage that had been said over and over again for the past year. Zac grew more and more frustrated as the time went on, hating that he was wasting his time when he could be doing something productive, or at the very least, fun. As it was, he wanted to pull his hair out and stab his eyes out, but he knew he needed to hold himself together. Walker finally suggested they break for the day around 5pm, and Zac couldn’t escape the basement fast enough. He was going to go up to his room, but decided instead to head to the backyard, hoping no one would look for him back there. 

Of course, he wouldn’t have that kind of luck. 

“You guys sound like you need a break.” Zac jumped from his spot leaning against a large tree and glared as Jeff approached him. 

“No, what we need is a record label that will help us produce a new album instead of yanking us around.” Jeff looked a little surprised, Zac had never been one to talk back, but then a smile overtook his face and Zac’s blood ran cold. 

“I see someone has gotten feisty in their time off.” He walked closer to Zac and reached out, placing a hand on his shoulder. Zac tried to shrug him off, but he clamped down, digging his fingers into his skin. “I think you’ve forgotten where your place is in this world, you’re getting a little too big for yourself.” Tears flooded Zac’s eyes, no matter how badly he tried to hold them in. His eyes darted to the back door, silently begging for someone to save him, but he didn’t’ see movement inside at all. 

“Leave me alone, Jeff.” He wanted to be strong, he wanted his words to come out in a way that scared the older man, but instead, they were just weak, wavering, as watery as the tears in his eyes. Jeff just laughed and shook his head. 

“You know that’s not how this works, Zac. Now just be the good boy I know you can be and help me out here, alright? And then we’ll see what we can do about getting the band some professional studio time. How does that sound?” Zac looked down at the ground, squeezing his eyes shut, praying for a miracle, but when none came, he simply sank to his knees, knowing what he needed to do in order to be left alone. 

\--

“Why are you acting so weird?” Zac startled from his spot on the bed, looking over at the doorway, seeing Taylor there. He tried to wipe the tears from his face before his brother could see him, but too late. Taylor closed the door behind him and stode to the bed, sitting down on the mattress next to his brother. “Hey, what’s wrong? Why are you crying?” Zac wanted to tell him, wanted to let everything out, but he couldn’t. He just shook his head as more tears gathered and fell, he was too weak to do anything else. Taylor hesitated a second before wrapping an arm around his shoulders and pulling him to his chest. It took a minute, but finally Zac relaxed into the embrace – There was no ulterior motive, no reason he should be afraid of his brother. 

He wrapped his arms around Taylor’s middle and buried his face in his chest as the sobs started coming out. He knew Taylor was concerned, he knew he would probably get the third degree later as to why he was freaking out so much, but crying felt so good, he finally felt like he was letting go of some of his negative emotions. He felt Taylor shift under him and before he realized it, they were laying on his bed together, Zac’s face still in Taylor’s chest. Alarm bells started going off in his head, they were laying down, was something going to happen? 

All that happened was Taylor tightening his embrace, holding Zac as though he was keeping him grounded to the earth. “I know this is tough, Z, but you can’t let it break you. We’re going to get through this, okay? We will make this new album, I can guarantee it.” More tears fell at Taylor’s words, the promise of a new album was the least of his worries, but how could he even begin to explain? And even worse, if he decided to stand up to Jeff and told him no more, there wouldn’t even be a new album to end with. 

By the time Zac managed to stop crying, he was so exhausted that he just closed his eyes and took a couple of deep breaths. He knew he needed to get up and shower and let his brother go back to his room, but he just needed a few minutes to breathe first. A few minutes turned into a few more, and then before he knew it, he was asleep, peacefully for the first time in years. 

\--

The next day was no better for Zac. He tried to shut his brain off, to just focus on playing the drums and making music, but it was so hard to focus when Jeff’s eyes were boring into his skull. No matter what he did, he could feel his gaze, and it made him want to throw up. By the time they were done playing, he had high hopes of disappearing upstairs to his room, but as soon as he appeared in the kitchen, he knew that wouldn’t be happening. Diana was bouncing around the kitchen, stirring pots and checking the over. 

“Oh great, you’re done! Dinner is almost ready, why don’t you set the table? You’ll need to set it for ten.” Zac turned to the cupboard with the plates before pausing and turning back to his mother.

“Ten? Why do we need ten?” Diana smiled at him as she pulled a casserole dish out of the oven.

“Mr. Fenster will be joining us for dinner, of course. He’ll be heading back to LA in the morning and I offered to cook him a nice, home cooked meal before he went back to his hotel.” Zac stood frozen to the spot, unable to comprehend what he was just told. He was staying for dinner? He had just gotten done with him, he was supposed to be home free! “Zac, go! Dinner will be ready in a minute!” Diana swatted at his arm and he flinched back, recovering enough to grab all of the necessary plates and place settings. 

He didn’t recall setting the table, but it was done and he was sitting at his spot on the end, being left handed meant he never got stuck in the middle unless one of his siblings wanted to keep getting elbowed. He stared at his place as everyone filtered in from the basement and their rooms. He felt someone sit next to him and turned, expecting to see Taylor, but jumped when he made eye contact with Jeff.

“Taylor sits there.” He said, feeling stupid almost instantly. He couldn’t even come up with a good come back!

“Zac, be nice to our guest. Taylor can sit somewhere else.” Zac looked around for his brother, and when he caught his eye, he sent him a silent plea, hoping he was able to communicate everything he was feeling into one glance. When Taylor just gave him a confused look, he sighed and leaned back in his chair, letting his eyes fall back to the plate in front of him. It was useless, no one was going to be able to help him.

Walker and Diana brought all of the food to the table and after saying the blessing, which included a nausea inducing thanks to Jeff for joining them, everyone started piling food onto their plates. Zac put a little of this and that onto his plate, but he knew he wouldn’t be able to eat too much of it. His stomach was in knots, and if he tried to eat, he would just end up throwing it up anyway. Something bumped his ankle and he looked down under the table, heat rushing to his face when he saw Jeff was nudging him with his foot. He whipped back up so that he was sitting up straight and avoided looking over at the older man – He knew the look that was going to be on his face and he couldn’t bear to see it. Jeff nudged him a few more times, clearly enjoying the shameful reactions Zac was giving, but he managed to keep his eyes down. When it stopped, he let out a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding, he managed to make it through.

Then a hand crept up onto his thigh and he almost screamed. He jumped back from the table as his eyes filled with tears and he glared at the man next to him.

“Zachary, what has gotten into you?” Diana scolded him from across the table, her face slightly red from embarrassment at his actions.

“I don’t feel good, can I be excused?” He took a step toward the kitchen, but Diana spoke again.

“No you will not be excused. We have a guest and you need to be respectful. Now, sit down and eat your dinner.” Zac tried to swallow the bile rising in his throat as he sat back down next to Jeff. He scooted his chair in as far as he could, hoping he could discourage the man from touching him, but when he felt the hand on his thigh again, he wasn’t even surprised. He picked up his fork and started pushing the food on his plate around, jumping a little when Jeff tightened his grip on his thigh.

“So, Jeff, how do you think things are coming along with the music?” Walker has a smile on his face as he asked the question, but Zac knew just from his tone of voice that he was just as frustrated as the band was with the entire process.

“Well, I’ve heard some good things the past couple of days, you boys really have put a lot of work into what you’ve shown me.” Jeff’s hand slid further up his thigh, stopping only when it rested on Zac’s crotch. Zac clenched his jaw and squeezed his eyes shut, desperate for time to fast forward so that he could finally be away from Jeff and everyone. “But I’m just not too sure it’s what the label is looking for.” Jeff squeezed Zac’s dick and his eyes popped open, glaring down at his plate, knowing he wouldn’t be able to make eye contact with anyone for fear of giving everything away.

“What do you mean, it’s not what the label is looking for? You said that they wanted more upbeat music, something with rhythm, more pop. I feel like we’ve accomplished that, specifically with Dancing in the Wind and Crazy Beautiful.” Taylor’s voice was almost shrill, Zac knew he was upset, he was probably the one who was taking their issues with the label the hardest, but he couldn’t even bring himself to feel bad for his brother. It was all he could do to stay still, sitting in his seat, as Jeff felt him up in front of his entire family. He had never felt more humiliated in his entire life.

“Well, those songs are good songs, Taylor, but you have to realize that we aren’t looking just for pop and rhythm. You need to be able to sell the songs, and those songs, well, they just aren’t going to do that.” Jeff started moving his hand up and down Zac’s crotch, and Zac felt himself growing hard, despite every ounce of his being not wanting the man to touch him at all. He looked up at Jeff and saw the smirk on his face, that stupid smirk that meant he was getting exactly what he wanted, and it took everything in him not to scream. Jeff’s strokes increased in pressure and Zac had to hold back a desperate cry, not because it felt good, but because his body was betraying him and he didn’t know how to stop it.

“With all due respect, Jeff, but we really think you’re wrong here.” Isaac was trying to be the voice of reason, he could also tell Taylor was about ready to lose it, and they couldn’t afford that. “We’ve put so much time and effort into these songs, and they’re pretty fucking fantastic.” Jeff shrugged, a non-committal smile on his face.

“You may be right, Isaac, but it all boils down to audience. Will your audience buy this music? Will they come see you perform these songs in concert?” Jeff flicked his wrist and managed to find the zipper on Zac’s jeans. “We don’t really think they will.” He tugged on the zipper, sliding it down. “We just aren’t sure you guys have enough material right now.” Jeff was about to reach into his pants when Zac jumped up, unable to stand it anymore.

“You know what? Fuck this. Fuck all of this!” He ran to the front door and threw it open, taking off down the driveway, running faster than he had ever run in his entire life. He didn’t really have a destination in mind, but he knew he needed to get away from his house, away from him. He finally collapsed on a park bench when he reached the playground outside of an elementary school. He was a little surprised to realize he was there, it was a few miles away, and surely he couldn’t have ran that far in a short amount of time. He looked down at his watch and realized he had been running for almost half an hour. He slumped back on the bench and closed his eyes. Placing his hands over his stomach, he ran through the memories of dinner, over and over and over. When he remembered hos Jeff touched him, he couldn’t help but start to shiver in fear. He never considered himself a coward, but when it came to Jeff, that’s all he was. He could almost feel the older man’s hand touching him, acting as though he had a right to his body, and his stomach turned. He opened his eyes and looked down at his jeans, surprised to see the zipped still undone. His face flushed red with embarrassment as he zipped it up, trying not to think about his body’s reaction to Jeff’s touch.

He hated himself so much for how he reacted – He didn’t want to like it, hell, he didn’t like it, but for some reason, his body never seemed to get the memo. When he was younger, he was just confused as to what it all meant, but once he went through puberty and learned all about the birds and the bees, he realized that his body was reacting because it was aroused and that was the most shameful part about the whole thing. How could he claim not to enjoy it when his dick would get hard when Jeff touched  
him? How could he claim that he was a victim if he had an orgasm?

Tears were running down his cheeks before he realized what was happening. He wiped his hands over his face, trying to get rid of any traces of his breakdown. A car pulled up beside him and he jumped up, expecting to see Jeff, to have to run again, but then his eyes met Taylor’s through the windshield and he felt like maybe he could breathe again.

\--

“Dad, I don’t think we should keep our contact with IDJ.” Taylor waltzed into the house, pulling Zac behind him, and dropped down on the couch in front of Walker and Isaac. “Is Jeff still here?”

“No, he left shortly after Zac ran off.” Walker raised an eyebrow at Zac and shook his head. “He didn’t mean to upset you so much, you know. He was just trying to be honest.” Taylor held up a hand, cutting their father off.

“I don’t care if he was being honest, I’m done with this bullshit. We are done with this bullshit.” He grabbed Zac’s hand and squeezed it, providing Zac with more comfort than he thought possible. “It’s not worth it anymore, dad. We shouldn’t have to fight with somebody to make the music we want to make.” 

“Taylor, I understand you’re frustrated, but you have to realize this is a business!” Taylor looked over at Zac and when they made eye contact, he felt as though maybe Taylor understood exactly what was wrong.

“I don’t care. I’m done. I’m not doing it anymore. I won’t stand around and let myself be pulled back and forth, we deserve better than this.” Walker sighed and got up from his chair.

“Are you all in agreement with this?” He looked at Zac and then at Isaac. Zac nodded immediately, and Isaac did as well, which surprised him – He really thought he would have been the one to hold out. “Alright, I guess I’ll go call our lawyer and see what our options are.”

Zac felt like he was in a dream, had it really just ended? Was it really that easy? He looked over at Taylor and couldn’t stop the tears from flooding his eyes. He hated how much he had cried that day, but he couldn’t keep it in – Taylor had just saved him. Taylor squeezed his hand, Zac hadn’t even realized they were still connected, and got up, pulling him along with him. “Come on, I think you need to get some rest, okay?” He opened his mouth to protest, but a yawn was the only thing that came out. Taylor laughed and tugged him to his room, dropping down on his bed.

“What are you doing?” Zac screwed his face up in confusion as he tried to figure out why Taylor was making himself comfortable in his bed.

“Just trust me, okay? It’s been a long day. Let’s just… Let’s just sleep, alright?” He hesitated, but then shrugged and climbed onto the bed next to his brother. He lay next to him awkwardly, unsure how to get comfortable, but then Taylor’s arms were around him and he was being pulled to his chest, and while he knew he probably shouldn’t enjoy it as much as he did, he couldn’t help but revel in the feelings of being safe and secure.

“Thanks, Tay.” Zac whispered as he closed his eyes. He heard Taylor’s heart rate increase a little and smiled, though he wasn’t sure why.

“Anytime, Z. I’m always here for you.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> READ. THE. WARNINGS. PLEASE.
> 
> Thank you to everyone who has read, commented, given kudos, all of it. This is my first story I've ever written solo, and I've still nervous about sharing it, mostly because of the heavy content. I appreciate any and all feedback!

**Past - 2005**  
  
  
Zac had managed to get along with his life pretty well after Jeff Fenster was out of it. During his waking hours, he was able to ignore all of the thoughts running around in his head about everything that had happened to him for years, he had been able to train himself to leave everything behind when he was awake. When he was asleep, however, was a whole different story. He didn’t know how to control his dreams, he wasn’t able to stop his mind from wandering to all of the dark places it seemed to like to go. The nightmares started when he was 16, while he was still one of Fenster’s special projects. He held so much pain and humiliation inside of himself for what he allowed the older man to do to him – That’s what it was, afterall, Zac allowed Jeff to violate him. He wasn’t 12 anymore, he was taller, bulkier, he had a voice and people who loved him, but even still, he let Jeff do whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted. That must have meant he liked it or something, right? If he didn’t, why didn’t he force him to stop or tell his parents what was going on? 

The day that they dissolved their record contact with Island Def Jam was the best day of Zac’s life. He was able to go breathe, there was finally a light at the end of the tunnel, his escape was in reach. He fully expected the nightmares to stop as soon as the abuse did, but when they didn’t, he grew frustrated. He wasn’t in danger anymore, why the hell couldn’t he get over it?! Alcohol turned into the solution to a lot of his problems. He was only 18, but he had plenty of friends who would buy him beer and eventually whiskey, it was the best at making him forget everything. Isaac even helped in getting him drunk more often than not, happy to have a partner in crime for once. He was happiest when he was barely coherent, and was happy to stay that way day in and day out. 

Taylor finally confronted him during the Live & Electric tour, telling him how worried he was about his health and what the fuck was even going on with him? The first time, Zac just laughed in his face and told him to fuck off. The second time, he laughed even harder and simply walked away. The third time, however, he had been up for almost five days straight, catching half an hour of sleep here or there, only to be woken up when the Jeff in his dreams made an appearance. He was exhausted and almost unable to function, the liquor in his system definitely not helping. He had messed up at least half of the songs at the show that night, and he could feel the rage radiating off of his older brother. Isaac had enough sense to ride on the bus with the openers, leaving him and Taylor alone on their bus. He was laying on the couch in the lounge, staring up at the ceiling, when Taylor stomped into the room. 

“Zac, this is stupid, I’m so fucking done with your shit! You can do whatever the hell you want to do when it only concerns you, but when it concerns this band, you need to man the fuck up and get your shit straight!” Zac looked over at him, wanting to laugh, wanting to flip him off, but the only emotion he could muster was sadness. Tears filled his eyes without his permission and he blinked rapidly, not wanting Taylor to see how badly he was hurting. 

“I’ll do better next time.” He whispered, shifting his gaze back to the ceiling. Taylor snorted and crossed his arms over his chest. 

“What, you think a few tears are going to make me feel sorry for you? Newsflash Zac, I’m immune to tears as a weapon, I grew up five younger siblings. What’s your next tactic, you gonna tell me to fuck off again?” Zac’s breath caught in his chest, he hated how much he was disappointing Taylor, disappointing everyone around him, and he felt like he was sinking. He closed his eyes and tried to concentrate on breathing, but every time he tried to inhale, the air got stuck in his throat, not making its way to his chest. He brought his hands to his chest and grabbed at it, scratching against his shirt, pulling on it, trying to make it looser, to let him breathe. When that didn’t work, he sat up and stared at Taylor, pleading with him silently for help. Taylor immediately dropped to his knees in front of him and placed his hands on his shoulders. 

“Zac, what’s wrong? Hey, come on, you need to breathe.” Zac wanted to roll his eyes at his brother, of course he needed to breathe, that was the whole point though, he fucking couldn’t! He brought his hands to his hair and started pulling slightly, starting to freak out as his heart rate increased. Taylor squeezed his shoulders and looked at him helplessly before taking one of Zac’s hands and putting it over his heart. “Zac, do you feel that? You need to match your breathing to my heart beat, okay? Take a deep breath in and let it out slowly, okay?” He looked into Taylor’s eyes and saw how concerned he was, which was honestly shocking. He nodded slowly as he tried to do what he was told, trying to get his breathing to match Taylor’s. After a few minutes, he no longer felt like he was going to pass out or die and he slumped back against the couch, more exhausted than before. 

“I’m sorry.” The words came out before he could stop them, how could he even begin to explain what he was actually apologizing for? Taylor heaved himself onto the couch next to him and looked over at him, worry written all over his face. 

“What’s going on Zac? This isn’t like you, you’ve been drinking nonstop for the past few years and it’s really worrisome.” Zac closed his eyes and shook his head, not willing to answer. “Don’t shut me out, I want to help you!” Zac’s eyes shot open and he looked at Taylor incredulously. 

“I’m sorry, what? You want to help me? Now?! You want to help me NOW?!” He hopped up from the couch and glared down at his brother. “Where the fuck were you eight years ago, Taylor? If you were so fucking worried about me, why didn’t you notice that I haven’t changed just in the past couple of years, but in the past near decade? I’ve been changed since I was 12, and you’re just now noticing? Why? Because suddenly it’s affecting you?!” He instantly regretted everything that came spilling out of his mouth, he’d never told anyone anything close to what he had gone though and all of a sudden, his biggest secret was so close to the surface he could taste it. Taylor’s face screwed up in confusion, paired with anger, and he stood up as well, crossing his arms against his chest again, looking every bit as defensive as Zac was sure he felt. 

“Oh grow the hell up, Zac, what are you even talking about? Changed when you were 12? What, why, because all of a sudden you had to work hard in order to be taken seriously? Was living your dream as a kid so fucking tough on you that it just changed you forever?” Tears slipped down Zac’s cheeks before he realized it, he felt as though he had been slapped.

“Do you really think that getting fucked by Jeff Fenster for years as a kid was part of the dream I had wanted, Taylor?!” His voice cracked in the middle of his sentence, but he kept going. “Do you really think that getting molested was something I thought I was going to have to deal with in order to live that dream?!” The look of shock on Taylor’s face was almost comical – Zac had never seen him speechless and was almost tempted to laugh, but he couldn’t keep the tears away. “So fuck you and your holier than thou attitude, Jordan Taylor Hanson, and you’re welcome for taking it all so that you didn’t have to know what the hell it was like!” With that, he turned on his heel and fled to his bunk, shutting the curtain as tightly as he could, even though it wouldn’t do any good at keeping anyone out. 

\--

Taylor appeared after a couple of hours, a shorter time than Zac anticipated him appearing, honestly. “Zac, can we talk?” He wanted so badly to ignore him, to pretend to be asleep, but the ache in his chest and the panic at finally telling someone his secret made him give in. He hopped out of the bunk and followed Taylor to the back lounge again. They sat on the couch awkwardly, Zac determined not to be the one to break the ice – He wasn’t the one who wanted to talk in the first place anyway. 

“Is it true?” Taylor’s voice came out low, so low Zac almost didn’t catch his question, but once it registered, anger flared. 

“Seriously Taylor?” He made to get up, but Taylor reached out and grabbed his hand, keeping him still. 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that. I just, I, I don’t really know what to say here, Zac, but I just, I can’t not say something, ya know? Because you just told me… All of that. And I can’t not act like it didn’t happen.”   
“Of course you can’t.” Zac muttered under his breath, but he wasn’t really angry. As much as he hated that he had shared his biggest shame, he also felt a little lighter, no matter how cliché it was to say so. 

“Do mom and dad know?” Zac shook his head. 

“No, no one knows, well now except you.” He looked down at his hands in his lap, trying to disappear.

“Oh fuck, Zac…” Taylor’s voice trailed off, he was obviously uncomfortable, but then all of a sudden, his arms were around Zac and Zac didn’t know how to react because he wasn’t expecting that and then Taylor just… Stayed there. Holding him in his arms. It took a little while, but Zac finally managed to relax into his embrace, letting his head fall to his brothers chest, and just breathe.


	7. Chapter 7

** Present **

Christmas in the Hanson household was always a joyous affair, and way too busy for Zac’s liking. Even though he and Taylor didn’t have any spouses or kids to add to the mix, the rest of their siblings did and Zac felt so overwhelmed being around so many people. He probably should have been used to is, being one kid in seven, but the years of Taylor and he living by themselves had really turned him into someone who appreciated being outside of a crowd. He had smoked a bowl before they left their house, Taylor rolling his eyes the entire time, but even the weed wasn’t enough to completely calm his nerves. When they pulled up outside of the house and saw that they were the last ones there, Zac sighed heavily. There was no easing into it; they were going to be thrown to the wolves. 

“You act like you’re being led to your execution.” Taylor reached over the console and grabbed Zac’s hand, giving it a squeeze. 

“That’s what it feels like.” Zac grumbled, unclipping his seatbelt.

“Just say hi to everyone and then go to the basement. You know Isaac’s boys will be playing video games down there and would love to try to beat their Uncle Zac.” Zac looked over at him and couldn’t help but smile. 

“I love you.” He leaned into Taylor and pressed their lips together quickly, knowing he couldn’t take any chances at getting caught, especially considering they were outside of their parent’s house. 

“Yeah, you better.” Taylor laughed before dropping his hand and getting out of the car. They walked to the door and it was thrown open before they were even up the front steps. 

“UNCLE ZAC, UNCLE TAYLA!” Isaac’s youngest, Odette, threw herself at them. Zac’s reaction was not fast enough, though Taylor’s was and he caught the little girl, laughing as he scooped her up and swung her around, giving her kisses. Zac loved seeing him with children, though it was something that also pained him, knowing that kids weren’t something he could ever give to his brother. 

“Alright, let’s go inside, where is everyone?” Taylor smiled down at the little girl in his arms as he walked into the house and Zac followed, stuffing his hands into his coat pocket. He hung back to take off his shoes and hang up his jacket as Taylor waltzed into the house, calling out to everyone to announce their arrival. As he followed, he hugged his siblings and his mother before retreating into the basement. He wasn’t afraid of hurting anyone’s feelings, they knew he wasn’t the biggest social person, and besides, someone needed to keep Monroe and Everett company. 

“Uncle Zac!” Both boys exclaimed when he appeared down the stairs. A smile overtook his face as he walked over to join them on the couch, giving them both hugs before sitting down and grabbing a controller. 

“What are we playing today, boys? You ready for me to school you on GTA4?” Monroe laughed and shook his head. 

“You know mom doesn’t let us play that one!” Monroe laughed, but he knew the drill – Zac would put in the game, they would play, Nikki would bust them and pretend to be mad, and they would all go on with their day. Every family holiday was the same, and Zac had no intention of making this one any different. 

“Oh just hush and go put it in!” 

\--

They played the game for a couple of hours, only pausing when Diana brought them down some cookies and other snacks to tide them over until dinner. Taylor wandered down after a bit and sat next to Zac, getting as close as he could without drawing any kind of suspicious looks. All Zac wanted was to be able to snuggle in close with him and spend the day wrapped up in the man he loved, but he knew that would never happen. He already had an idea that his parents thought he and Taylor were gay, considering they were grown men, brothers, living together, with no wives and children, but he doubted they would even consider the idea that they were sleeping together and committed to each other in that way. Still, better not to draw attention to them, it made everyone’s life a lot easier if they didn’t know the truth. 

The game wrapped up when Nikki came down to grab her sons and have them wash up for dinner. “Diana said to let you two know that everything will be ready in about 10 minutes, so don’t go too far!” Zac smiled at her as she disappeared back up the stairs. He waited a beat, listening for noise on the steps, before turning and practically throwing himself at Taylor.   
“This is torture.” He mumbled as he placed a brief kiss to his lips. “All I want to do is be able to kiss you and acknowledge that we’re together.” Taylor gave him a sad smile as he wrapped his arms around his shoulders and gave him another kiss. 

“I know, I wish we could too, but –“ Zac cut him off. 

“But it’ll never happen, blah blah blah, I know.” He sighed and pulled back from the embrace, reaching for the phone in his pocket as it started to vibrate. He turned the screen on and froze when he pulled up the reason for the notification. He read the article once, twice, three times, before looking up at Taylor, his bottom lip trembling. 

“Zac, what is it?” Taylor didn’t wait for an answer, he reached out and grabbed the phone and looked down at the screen. 

“Former American Idol runner up, David Archuleta, comes forward with allegations of sexual abuse by former record exec Jeff Fenster.”

\--

Zac didn’t really react to anything that happened after reading the article Google had alerted him to. He knew Taylor was upset, he could feel the tension rolling off of him, but try as he might, he couldn’t force himself to try to comfort him. He let himself be led up the stairs and stood next to his brother as he tried to navigate him around the people in the room. They made it to the front hall and the door to the coat closet was open before Diana appeared. 

“Taylor, Zac, where are you two going? Dinner is almost ready!” Taylor shook his head and grabbed Zac’s jacket, slinging it over his arm before grabbing his own. 

“Mom, I really can’t explain right now, but we can’t stay, something came up and I really need to get Zac home.”

“Jordan Taylor Hanson, you will do no such thing!” Diana reached for one of the coats in his hand and took it away from him, throwing it over her own arm. “This is a day for family and you will be staying here, with your family!” Taylor groaned and reached for the jacket. 

“Mom, seriously, we need to go!” Diana crossed her arms in front of her chest and shook her head. 

“What’s so important that you need to abandon your family on Christmas, hmmm? Can you at least tell me that much?” Taylor let out what sounded like a growl as he pulled up the screen on Zac’s phone. He pulled up the article and shoved it in her face, forcing her to grab it, allowing him to take the coat back from her. He put his coat on and started working on getting Zac’s on him, he didn’t provide much help in that department, when Diana put the phone down. “I don’t understand what you’re showing me, Taylor.”

“Did you even read the article, mom?!” Taylor whirled around, his voice riddled with the irritation he was feeling. 

“Do not speak to me that way, Taylor! I don’t care what you’re feeling or what’s going on, I am still your mother! Now, yes, I read the article, I see that Jeff is being accused of some rather heinous things. What I don’t understand is why the two of you are running out of here like the house is on fire!” 

“Okay mom, you know what, if you can’t figure it out, maybe it’s best that you just don’t know then, okay?” Taylor turned back to Zac and zipped his coat up before turning back to Diana. “Can I please have the phone back? We need to go.”

“Jordan Taylor, you explain to me right now what the heck is going on.” Taylor opened his mouth to speak, but Zac beat him to it. 

“He did that to me, too.” His voice was flat and even, no emotion coming out at all. His gaze had been trained on the front door the entire conversation, and stayed there as he spoke. “I was 12 and Jeff Fenster raped me.” He finally turned his eyes to his mother, who was looking at him with the most horrified expression on her face. “He raped me and used me until I was 16 years old. And no one ever helped me.”


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys so much for your feedback, I appreciate everyone who takes the time to read, kudos, comment, and message me!

** Past - Spring/Summer 2009 **

Zac had always thought that someone knowing his big secret would somehow make his life harder. He had spent so long bottling everything up, being the martyr and not letting his horrible childhood affect anyone else, and he knew how to deal with it. Well, maybe he didn’t know how to deal with it correctly, but he knew how to make it through each day alive. When he blurted it all out to Taylor, he really thought he was going to live with so much regret, Taylor didn’t need to know about his issues or deal with them, but really, he just felt like he had a small weight lifted off of his chest. When he started to panic, Taylor was there for him, ready to help talk him down off of whatever ledge he was on. He drank considerably less, though the urge still hit him more often than he liked to admit. 

The band spent upward of three years on the road, doing tour after tour, and while Zac was exhausted, he was also grateful for the distraction. He didn’t have to think about what his life would be like when he went home, alone, to an empty apartment, he simply got to pretend that he was normal. 2008 came and went, and suddenly Zac found himself alone in Tulsa, for months on end, while Taylor went on a tour with his side project band. He wanted to be happy for his brother, he really did, but he went from being around him 24/7 for years on end to all of a sudden almost not being able to even talk to him except for every few days, and he was having a hard time coping. He tried reaching out to Isaac for company, but he was so busy with his wife and their two young children that it was hard for him to step away even for a couple of hours. Not only that, but he also knew that he didn’t really matter if he hung out with Isaac because he didn’t know and that was part of the problem in and of itself. It wasn’t that he and Taylor really ever talked about what had happened to him, but just knowing that his brother knew brought some kind of comfort to the situation, like knowing that he wasn’t alone was enough to let him breathe a little easier. 

By the time June came around, Zac felt like he was going to go insane. He spent too much time sleeping or just lying on the couch, trying to avoid life. His depression had gotten a hold on him before he even really registered that it had happened, and by the time he realized it, it was just too late. He was never good at picking himself up, his previous drinking problem was a testament to that, and without Taylor there to talk to, he just sank. He hadn’t realized just how dependent he had gotten on his brother until he wasn’t there, and he didn’t really know what to think about it. They’d always been close, but ever since he had told him the truth about Jeff, they were almost inseparable, which is what left him feeling like there was a hole in his chest without Taylor there. A thought went through his head and instantly he pulled out his phone, tapping out a message to his brother, hoping things would work out.

\--

A few days later found Zac at Chicago Midway Airport, waiting for a cab to take him to the hotel near the venue Taylor’s band would be playing at. He hadn’t exactly told Taylor that he would be there, but he was pretty sure he had guessed based on their text conversation a few days before. A cab pulled up and he loaded himself in, nerves building in his stomach as they drove closer and closer to downtown. Maybe he should have actually told Taylor what his plans were before just flying up there, but he didn’t really have a choice to change that anymore. When the cab pulled up to his hotel, he paid quickly and grabbed his backpack and suitcase before checking in. He fully expected fans to be around considering Taylor was playing that day, but was pleasantly surprised not to run into any. Once he was settled in, he opened his phone and pressed number one on his speed dial, hoping he wasn’t too busy to answer. 

“Hey Zac! What’s up?” Taylor’s voice connected over the line and Zac let out the huge breath he hasn’t realized he’d been holding. 

“Oh, uh nothing really. What are you up to?” 

“We just got done with sound check, I think the guys were talking about going and getting lunch really quick. Did you need to talk or something?” Zac rubbed the back of his neck as a blush ran across his face. He should have told him beforehand.

“Umm, well, kind of?” He knew he was acting like a child, not coming right out and saying what he was thinking or feeling, but he felt like he was intruding on a part of his brother’s life that he shouldn’t be. 

“Zac, you’re kind of freaking me out, are you okay?” Zac groaned and let his head fall into his free hand. 

“Yeah, I’m fine, don’t worry about it. Break a leg tonight, okay? I’ll talk to you later.” He pulled the phone back from his ear and disconnected the call as quickly as he could before falling back against the bed. He seriously should have asked him first. 

\--

Zac ended up going to the festival without talking to Taylor again, and actually enjoyed himself. He bought some food and managed to get a spot against a building wall to the side of the stage a few minutes before Tinted Windows went on. The show was good, Zac always loved watching Taylor play to a crowd, it was his specialty, but it was weird seeing it from the wrong side of the stage. It felt more intimate, actually, because he was able to see Taylor’s expressions and reactions to everything that was going on around him, and not just seeing half of his face or his back. He knew Taylor’s face better than he even knew his own, but he was surprised to find that he just couldn’t look away, seeing new expressions and smiles just drew him in. When the show ended, he was shocked and looked down at his watch to see that he had been watching them perform for a little over an hour, though he could have sworn it was only a few minutes. 

He watched the crowd disperse before making his way toward the makeshift backstage area. He tried to see if he could get anyone’s attention, but no one gave him a second glance, so he just pulled out his phone and dialed Taylor again.   
“Hey Z, you have good timing, I just got done with the performance!” Taylor’s voice has the almost manic sound to it that it always did after a particularly good show and he couldn’t help but smile. 

“Yeah, I know, it was pretty epic. You guys really killed it out there.” 

“Uh, what? How do you know?” The confusion that overtook his voice was enough to draw a laugh out of Zac. 

“I’m right outside the backstage area, can you come find me? I tried to see if I could find anyone, but no luck.” 

“You’re, wait, you’re here?” He heard some shuffling in the background followed by what sounded like footsteps as he assumed Taylor had started out to find him. Zac simply laughed and nodded his head, even though Taylor obviously couldn’t see him. He stayed on the phone until he saw him heading toward him from backstage. He hung up and smiled big, walking to meet him halfway. Zac threw his arms around his brother and squeezed tight, not caring that it might look weird or that someone might see and start to wonder. 

“You really were amazing up there. You all were.” Zac mumbled as he released the other man from the hug. 

“I can’t believe you came! I didn’t expect this at all, wait, is this why you were so weird on the phone this morning?” Another blush ran over Zac’s face and he nodded. 

“I wasn’t sure what your schedule was, I wanted to surprise you, but then you had plans and I didn’t want to interrupt anything. Hopefully I’m not interrupting anything going on tonight, either?” The last sentence came out as a question, and he knew he sounded pathetic, like he was asking his brother if he could hang out with him and his older, cooler friends. 

“The only plans I have tonight are with you, so just let me grab my stuff and I’ll be right back.” He turned and ran off before Zac could even get another word out, but he didn’t mind – He wouldn’t have protested anyway. He needed time with Taylor, and he really didn’t care how he got it. 

\--

They ended up just going back to Zac’s hotel room and ordering room service, they had tried to figure out where to eat and ended up talking about it for so long that they just laughed and gave up. Zac felt lighter than he had felt in months, he hadn’t really realized just how bad he was feeling until he wasn’t feeling it anymore. Once they ate, they stretched out on the bed and put the TV on, though neither watched as they caught up on everything they had missed in each other’s lives since Taylor had gone on tour. Well, caught up on what Taylor had done – Zac didn’t really have anything to add to the conversation and he was perfectly happy to let Taylor take the reins. He just turned on his side so that he was facing his brother and curled in on himself, watching as he talked. 

“Why are you so quiet?” Taylor interrupted his own story in favor of provoking Zac to talk. Zac groaned and closed his eyes. 

“I don’t have anything to say, Tay.” He shrugged his shoulders and opened his eyes again, looking at his brother’s chest, purposely avoiding his eyes. 

“Um, okay, how about we try this again?” Taylor turned so that he was laying his side facing Zac, mirroring his position, and reached out his arm, using his hand to force him to meet his eyes. “Why are you being so quiet?” Zac bit his lower lip and shrugged. He took a minute to try to compose his thoughts, and Taylor didn’t try to interrupt or talk for him, something he was grateful for. 

“It’s been really hard the past few months. With you gone.” He averted his gaze from Taylor’s eyes again, but was forced to meet them when Taylor lifted his chin. 

“Hard how? Like you’ve been drinking again?” Zac shook his head and tried to relax, feeling his body sink into the mattress. 

“No, but I’ve wanted to. And instead of doing that, I just… Don’t do anything. I just sleep or I’m on the couch and I just, I can’t remember why I’m still alive. I can’t remember what my reasons are for continuing to be here when I just want to not exist.” He didn’t miss the flash of hurt go through Taylor’s eyes and before he realized what was happening, Taylor was next to him, his arms wrapped around his shoulders, pulling him to his chest. 

“Fuck, Zac, I had no idea. I am so sorry.” Taylor pressed his face into his hair and Zac let himself relax into the embrace. It had taken some getting used to, being touched by anyone, but once Taylor knew his secret, it was like he had gone out of his way to hold him, hug him, or just even put a hand on his shoulder, like he was trying to remind him that he wasn’t alone. 

“You’ve been really busy, it’s not your fault, don’t apologize.” Zac closed his eyes and listened to the rhythm of his brother’s heart beating. It was a sound that had soothed him through numerous panic attacks, and it was a sound that he fell asleep to on a large handful of occasions. 

“I’m never too busy for you, Zac.” Taylor ran a hand up and down Zac’s back, and he couldn’t help but press back into the touch. He needed it more than he had realized. 

“My feelings aren’t your responsibility, though, and you can’t feel bad because you’re not available when I’m feeling down.” He felt Taylor shake his head and braced himself for a lecture. 

“You’re right, your feelings aren’t my responsibility.” The hand on his back stilled and suddenly he was being pushed back by his shoulders so that he was being forced to look at Taylor. “But I’m choosing to be here, with you, and for you, and that means caring about your feelings and how you’re doing.” Tears stung the back of Zac’s eyes and he tried to blink them away, unsure exactly why he was reacting so strongly to what Taylor was telling him. He knew he was always there for him, he had been since he was a kid. When he thought back to the past, no matter how old he was, Taylor was always the one constant in his life, protecting him from the world and everything ugly in it. Even before he knew what had happened with Jeff, Taylor still protected him, even though he didn’t know what from. 

Without thinking, he leaned in, slowly, until his face was right in front of Taylor’s. He didn’t know what to say, but he knew what he wanted to do, no matter how wrong it was. 

“Zac, what are you doing?” Taylor’s voice came out in a whisper, sounding a little scared, and definitely unsure of what exactly Zac was going to do. 

“I’m doing something I think I’ve wanted to do for a long time, if that’s okay.” His voice trembled and he felt tears coming back, but he didn’t care. He wanted to do something for him, something that he wanted to do, not something that he was forced to do. Taylor opened his mouth to respond, then closed it again, simply nodding instead. With that, Zac closed the gap between them and kissed Taylor, softly at first, then with a little more feeling once Taylor was kissing him back. After a minute, Zac broke their connection and pulled back a little, looking into his brother’s face. “I-Is that okay?” 

Taylor reached up and cupped his cheek in his hand and smiled softly, nodding. “I kind of think I’ve been waiting for you to do that for a long time, too.” Zac felt his face turn red for the umpteenth time that day and ducked his head into Taylor’s chest. 

“Shut up, you have not.” He felt his chest rumble with laughter under him and whipped his head up to glare at him. “Don’t laugh at me!” Taylor leaned in and pressed a quick kiss to Zac’s lips before laying back against the bed again. 

“I’m really glad you did that. I wasn’t sure how much longer I was going to be able to wait.” Zac’s face softened and he bit his lip, giving Taylor a questioning look. 

“Why didn’t you do something, or say something?” 

“Well, first of all, come on.” Taylor gestured between the two of them and gave Zac what could only be classified as a “well, duh” look. “We’re not exactly supposed to feel this way. But also…” He trailed off and moved a hand back to Zac’s back, pressing into his skin. “I had to know you wanted it. I didn’t want to push you into anything. You need to make your own decisions, and I didn’t want to take that away from you.” Zac’s jaw dropped and he just stared at his brother for a long minute before practically launching himself up to the head of the bed and wrapping his arms around his body. 

“You are so much more than I ever thought I deserved.” He confessed as he settled his head into Taylor’s shoulder. “Thank you for being here.”


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am THE WORST! I am so sorry for the delay in posting this! I went on a week vacation to go see TragicLove and we both were supposed to write and do lots of fun things and instead we sat on the couch and watched Grey's Anatomy for a week. But whatever. Here's chapter nine! Thank you to everyone who had read and commented and kudo's and everything!

** Present **

The rest of the 2017 holiday season was a blur – Zac couldn’t remember anything about Christmas day past admitting to his mother that he was molested as a child - he just knew there were a lot of tears and lots of hugs and too many apologies to count. He remembered both his mother and father crying and placing so much of the guilt onto themselves that he just couldn’t even react. He had cried more than enough tears in the 20 years since it had started, and while he knew crying would have been the appropriate reaction, he just couldn’t talk himself into it. Taylor had managed to get them out of the house and back home without too much more altercation, and he knew he would be forever grateful to his brother for that. They lay in bed that night, curled up into each other, Zac’s head on Taylor’s chest, listening to the heartbeat that had been his lullaby for more years than he could remember. He dozed on and off all night, though every time he woke up, Taylor was still awake, soothing him with words and a calm hand on his back. Zac was almost able to fool himself into thinking he was safe in those moments, and he would have given anything to stay like that for the rest of his life. 

The new year came and went without any fanfare. Zac could barely pull himself out of bed most days, save for the days Taylor physically hauled him up and to the couch. He tried to remember what it felt like to be happy, to smile, to laugh, but all he remembered was feeling hollow. He felt like a zombie, going through the motions, walking through the part in his life where he was supposed to be living. Isaac had gotten the low down on what had happened from their parents and came over one day in mid-January, crying and throwing so many apologies Zac’s way that he didn’t know what to do with them. He barely even registered when Isaac threw his arms around him, apologizing for failing to be his big brother, his protector. He wrapped his arms around him simply because he knew it was expected of him, not because he really meant it. It almost felt like Isaac needed more reassurances than he did that everything would be okay, but he didn’t even believe it himself, so how could he convince someone else? 

The day after his visit from Isaac was the day he took up drinking again, trying to quell the fear in his stomach that popped up any time something remotely emotional came up. He would wake up in the morning, head to the kitchen, have a breakfast beer with a shot, and start drinking the day away. In the back of his mind, he was well aware that drinking never helped him before, but he didn’t care. Feeling drunk was better than feeling nothing. Taylor had come home the first night, a shocked look on his face as Zac bounded toward him and threw his arms around him. 

“I missed you, why were you gone all day?” Taylor took a step back from him and gave him a confused look. 

“Ike and I were working on a few things in the studio, I told you that when I left, that I wouldn’t be back until later tonight.” He leaned in as Zac swayed on his feet and screwed up his face in anger. “Have you been drinking?”

“Only a little bit, its fine, Tay. Just enough to take the edge off.” He blinked a couple of times, slowly, and lost his footing a little, falling into the wall. 

“Jesus Zac, what the fuck is wrong with you?!” Taylor grabbed his arms to keep his from falling to the ground, but Zac just yanked his arm away and scowled at his brother. 

“Oh, I’m sorry Taylor, but not all of us can deal with our emotional pain the way you do. Just clam up and pretend like it never happened, never talk about it and it just goes away, right?” He straightened up and took a couple of steps back, glaring at Taylor. “I can see you judging me, but fuck you, Taylor, you don’t know what this is like.” Taylor’s face dropped and Zac looked down at the ground, not wanting to see the pain his words had caused. 

“Zac, I’m really worried about you.” His voice was soft with an edge to it that sounded almost like he was going to start crying. Zac kept his gaze lowered to the floor until Taylor’s feet appeared in his view. He looked up and his breath caught in his chest at the absolutely broken look on his brother’s face. 

“I’m fine.” He said shortly, trying to keep his voice even. “I just need to get over the hump.” He knew he sounded weak, he didn’t even believe the words that came out of his own mouth, but Taylor must have seen something in him that caused him to drop it because all he did was nod. Zac slept on the couch that night, feeling lonelier than he had in a long time. 

\--

Taylor tried to celebrate Valentine’s Day. Zac thought it was kind of cute, though he knew the reason was simply to provide him with a distraction. They’d never particularly taken to Valentine’s Day before, because really, did Hallmark even make a _Happy Valentine’s Day to my Brother/Lover_ card? They also felt like they didn’t need to spend one day a year dedicated to proving their love to each other when they had every day to do that, but still, when Zac went to the kitchen the morning of February 14th and saw Taylor making him breakfast, he couldn’t help but smile a little. 

“I thought you were going to be going to the studio for a little while this morning.” Zac walked up behind him and wrapped his arms around his waist before putting his chin on his shoulder. He saw Taylor smile out of the corner of his eye and gave him a little squeeze. 

“I was, but then I realized I would rather spend the day with you instead.” Taylor put his spatula down and turned around in Zac’s arms, giving him a quick kiss on the lips. “Today is all about you and me, no one else matters, okay?” Zac leaned in and gave him another kiss, deepening it enough to make Taylor squirm under him. 

“I love you.” He breathed against his lips before backing away. “I’m gonna go change really quick, then I’ll be down, okay?” He turned on his heel and practically ran back to the bedroom. He had counted on having the whole day to himself, he had planned on drinking and sleeping, not too much different from how he spent every other day, but with Taylor home, he was going to have to be creative. He counted himself lucky that he had taken to drinking while showering (as if he wasn’t pathetic enough), and grabbed the bottle of vodka from under the bathroom sink. He took a few pulls from the bottle, barely wincing at the burn as the liquid slid down his throat. He threw on some clothes and swigged some mouthwash before making his way back to the kitchen table, catching breakfast right as it was ready. 

“Thanks, baby.” He started eating as soon as the food was put down in front of him, grateful for the distraction. It got harder and harder to be alone around Taylor, he felt like he was consistently under some kind of scrutiny and he hated feeling like he was walking on eggshells around him. He knew Taylor was probably waiting for him to breakdown or cry or throw things or _something_ , and it just put him on edge. 

“So I was thinking, maybe we could go for a drive today? Just head out and enjoy the weather?” Zac bit his lip, avoiding looking up at his brother, knowing that the look on his face would tell him everything he needed to know. Taylor sighed and reached out, placing a hand over his. Zac winced and pulled back automatically, cursing himself silently as soon as he did it. 

“I’m sorry.” He said automatically, casting a glance up and immediately regretting it. Taylor looked like his heart was breaking, his expression spilling everything Zac needed to know. 

“I’m trying here, Zac. I’m trying so fucking hard, and I don’t know what to do.” His voice cracked on the last word as tears sprang to his eyes, and Zac felt a stab of guilt for being the one to cause it.   
“I don’t know what to do either.” He admitted, looking down at his place, suddenly feeling sick. He pushed it away from him and stood up from the table. “Maybe you should go to the studio.” He suggested. “You’ll probably get more stuff done anyway.” He turned and walked back to the room, ignoring the sobs he heard coming from down the hall. As he crawled back into bed and pulled the covers over his head, he briefly wondered how he was going to manage to keep on going when all he wanted to do was give up. 

\--

The next month proved to show just how much Zac was giving up on life. His drinking got worse, to the point that he spent almost every night with his head over the toilet, throwing up everything in his body and then dry heaving for hours as his body kept trying to reject the alcohol in his system. Taylor had taken up permanent residence in the guest room after Valentine’s Day, and after Zac was finally able to make it to bed at night, he spent hours crying himself to the point of exhaustion. It was only then that he actually managed to get any kind of sleep, however restless it was. Dark circles were a permanent fixture under his eyes, and when he looked in the mirror, he didn’t even recognize the person looking back at him. As much as he knew he was slowly killing himself, he couldn’t stop the cycle he was in, and in a way, if it meant he died… He didn’t really care. At least then his pain would be gone. 

He was halfway through a new pint of vodka at 11 in the morning when Taylor came home, surprising him. He almost dropped the bottle as his face turned bright red. He knew Taylor knew about his drinking, but he had never mentioned anything past their last tiff, and it just felt so… embarrassing to be caught in the middle of it, especially while it was still pretty early in the day. 

“What are you doing home?” He could hear the slur in his own voice and cursed under his breath. Taylor just stood in the doorway, his mouth open, looking like he had seen a ghost. 

“I live here.” He finally managed to get out as he walked further into the room. He dropped his coat and laptop bag onto the couch next to Zac and perched on the cushion next to him. 

“You live here? That’s funny, cause you sure don’t seem like you do lately.” The words came ripping out of Zac’s mouth before he could even think about what he was saying, but he didn’t regret them. It was how he felt, and maybe he needed to tell Taylor before they ended up breaking for good. Taylor snorted under his breath and rolled his eyes before leaning back into the couch.

“You’re one to talk, Zac. Seriously, just because your body is present in the house doesn’t mean you’re fucking here, okay?” A flash of anger bolted through him and he whipped his head around to stare at his brother. 

“You don’t have any room to fucking talk, you’re always at the studio or off doing god knows what with god knows who, you barely even come home anymore, Taylor! And even when you do, you’re in the fucking guest room, like we haven’t been fucking each other for the past 10 years!” Tears sprang to his eyes as his emotions got the better of him, though he quickly wiped them away with the back of his hand. 

“God knows what with god knows who? Are you kidding me, Zac? Do you actually think I’m cheating on you?!” Taylor jumped up from the couch and began pacing in front of it, pulling his fingers through his hair at such a rapid rate Zac thought he was going to pull it out in clumps. “If I’m not at the studio, I’m at Isaac’s house, hiding from you! Hiding from this, hiding from the mess that our life has become!” Zac bit his lower lip and looked down at the ground, hating the tears that poured down his cheeks. “Do you even realize that your actions have an effect on other people, Zac? Do you realize how much you’re hurting me by hurting yourself? I can’t stand to be home because I’m watching you kill yourself, day in and day out, and I can’t fucking do it!” He stopped pacing and dropped to his knees in front of Zac, forcing him to look him in the face. “I love you so much, Zac, I love you more than life itself, and it kills me to see what you’re doing. I’ve tried doing everything I can think of to help you, but no matter what I do, you keep pushing me away. What the hell else am I supposed to do, Zac? Just tell me, and I’ll do it. I’ll do whatever you need me to do.” His hands were clasped onto Zac’s knees, fingers digging in so much that it was almost painful, but he didn’t shy away from the touch. 

“You can’t do anything, Tay, that’s the whole problem. I don’t even know what to do, I just know that I hate living.” He shocked himself at the words that came out, he didn’t expect to confess that to Taylor. 

“Zac, you need help.” The words were so simple, yet they conveyed such a strong message. 

“I know.” He admitted, leaning into Taylor, pressing his head to his shoulder. 

“I can’t lose you, Zac, but you’re already slipping away so fast I can barely even see you anymore.” Zac shifted from his position on the couch so that he could press his body into Taylor’s and wrap his arms around his waist. He let the tears take over his body and he started crying into his chest, though he didn’t miss how much Taylor was shaking under him too. They stayed wrapped up in each other, crying, until neither of them had any tears left. Zac was the first to pull back from the embrace and he looked into Taylor’s eyes for the first time in a long time. 

“I’ll find a therapist to talk to. I don’t want to lose you either, Tay. You’re the best part of my life.” He took both of Taylor’s hands in his and squeezed them tight, hoping he could convey all of the emotions he felt into the words he couldn’t say.


	10. Chapter 10

** Past – 2009-2012 **

Things between Zac and Taylor progressed as normally as they would in any relationship where one was dating their own brother. Zac’s visit to New York had changed everything about them, and it was for the better. They were still best friends and still talked all the time, but they had the added benefit of being able to kiss and be more intimate with each other without it being weird. Well, weird to them. They knew they were treading on rocky ground and had to be careful about how they acted around each other around other people. They had always been a little more tactile with each other than any of their other siblings, but when in close quarters on a tour bus with Isaac, things could get out of hand and fast, and they knew it.

They spared no time in moving in together, not wanting to be apart more than necessary. Their parents had asked why they wanted to live together, they had more than enough money to support two households, but they simply waved off their concerns, stating they barely spent time at home as it was, so why bother paying for two sets of utilities, mortgages, and all of the upkeep necessary to own a place. Diana still tried to argue, speaking up about “what if they decided to get married?” or “what about babies?” and it was all Zac could do to keep himself from laughing in his mother’s face. If only she knew wives and babies were really not something in either his or Taylor’s future.

They bought a three bedroom condo, and set up one of the rooms to look as though it was Zac’s room, though they both knew they would be spending their nights in the master bedroom together. Appearances needed to be kept, after all, especially with such a large family that had a tendency to pop by without calling first. It was better to be safe than sorry, though Zac ached to be able to just tell anyone and everyone that he finally found the person for him, even if it was his own brother. He managed to keep it to himself, but only because he got the best prize of them all – He got to sleep next to Taylor every night and wake up to his beautiful face every morning.

\--

The first time they’d tried to do anything besides kissing, Taylor had done all of the right things – He’d asked Zac what he had wanted, asked permission before touching him, and they had a safe word that Zac could use at any time, no matter what. Zac thought he was okay enough to make things work out, especially since it was Taylor, and why would he use a safe word with the one person in the world he trusted the most? But as soon as his pants were off and Taylor was about to push down his boxers, Zac had started hyperventilating and couldn’t even breathe, let alone say the safe word. Taylor pulled him to his chest and lay his head over his heart, trying to help him calm down.

“We don’t have to do anything you aren’t comfortable with, Z, and I really hope you know that. I’m happy being with you without doing anything else. You make me happy, everything else is just extra.” Zac heard the words, but couldn’t help but feel like he was still disappointing his brother. He wanted to do things with him, he wanted to take his clothes off and touch his body and feel him pressed against him, but something inside of him kept yelling at him that it was wrong, no matter how hard he tried to make it go away.

\--

The next time they tried to move beyond kissing and over the clothes touching, Zac was the one who instigated it. He ran a hand over Taylor’s chest and under his shirt, pushing it up to mouth at the newly exposed skin. Taylor’s breathing got heavier as his eyes closed and Zac couldn’t help but grin – He was the reason he looked like that.

He managed to get the shirt off and sucked on Taylor’s neck, biting lightly when the other man shivered, happy to have discovered something that made him react that way. “Zac, oh god, that feels so good.” Taylor moaned and brought his hand to tangle in Zac’s hair, causing Zac to groan under his breath. He kissed his way down his chest, pausing only when he reached the top of his jeans. He wanted to badly to pop the button and make Taylor feel good, to take him in his mouth and cause him to scream his name, but the very idea filled him with so much anxiety he just froze.

Taylor noticed the change in his movement and opened his eyes, looking down at him. “Zac, you don’t have to.” His voice was low and soft, so full of understanding, and it made Zac want to cry.

“I want to want to.” A lump formed in his throat and he wanted to scream, why couldn’t he just be normal, dammit?! Taylor sat up and pulled Zac up to sit next to him. He hung his head, refusing to look at his older brother.

“Zac, you don’t have anything to prove to me, you know that right?” Zac shrugged and started playing with a loose thread on one of the sheets on their bed. “Hey.” Taylor took one of his hands and squeezed it tight, causing Zac to look up at him. “I mean it. The most important thing to me is that you’re comfortable, okay?” Tears formed in Zac’s eyes and he closed them quickly, trying to will them away.

“I just want to be able to show you how much…” He trailed off, opening his eyes again and looking into Taylor’s eyes. “I just want to show you how much I love you.” A huge smile formed on Taylor’s face and he surged forward, pressing their lips together.

“You don’t need to show me how much you love me like that, Z. I see it in the way you look at me, in the way that you make me coffee in the morning, in the way that you always make sure to buy cherry poptarts when you go grocery shopping even though I know you hate those.” Zac couldn’t help but let out a small laugh at those words. “Love isn’t just expressed in a sexual way, it’s expressed in the things you say or do for someone.”

“I know, Tay, but I feel like I’m letting you down, like I’m missing such a big part of our relationship by not being able to give you these things.” He moved his body so that he was pressed against Taylor’s side and wrapped an arm around his waist, pressing his face into his shoulder.

“The only way you’d ever let me down is if you push yourself to do something you don’t want to do or you’re not ready for.”

“Have you been googling how to help sexual assault victims in your spare time?” Zac’s voice came out light, trying to make a joke, though he knew the situation was too dark to really do so.

“Maybe.” Zac couldn’t hold back the laugh that formed in his throat and he closed his eyes, letting the giggles overtake him.

“I love you.” He managed to get out between laughs and Taylor wrapped an arm around his shoulder, pressing a kiss into his hair.

“I love you, too. And I always will.”

\--

Tour always took a lot out of everyone. From 2010-2012, the band was touring pretty much nonstop and Zac almost wanted to cry by time they were scheduled for a break. He was so stressed out and running on next to no sleep, but then he thought about how he got to be with Taylor almost every single day, and it made everything worth it. They had progressed in their physical relationship to the point where Zac was comfortable with most things, but they’d still never had sex. Well, Taylor liked to argue that they had because sex didn’t have to mean penetration (a word that made Zac shudder in horror), but Zac never agreed with him. He had long past gotten over the point where he felt as though he was letting Taylor down, but the more time that passed, the more he realized he really wanted to be with him in that way. He wanted to open himself up to the one person he trusted, and he knew he wouldn’t get hurt. That being said, opportunities were far and few between because, well… They were on tour, and there was no way in hell Zac was going to have sex on a tour bus where Isaac or someone else with big ears might hear.

Disney World was supposed to be the happiest place on earth, and Zac really wished he saw it that way. Instead, he simply saw it as a mess of kids running around a park, waiting in lines that were way too long, and paying for food that was way too expensive. He tried to be more upbeat and actually be happy, he knew Disney was fun, but he was so damn exhausted that after playing three sets a day for days in a row, all he wanted to do was go back to the hotel room and crash.

The last day of Eat to the Beat was hard to get through. Zac’s entire body was aching and he felt like he was dying, though he didn’t think he was getting sick. He had a hard time focusing on anything around him and more than once, Taylor had glared at him for messing up during a song. When they were finally done playing, Zac just wanted to go drink himself through Epcot, but as soon as he took a step in the direction of Germany, Taylor grabbed his arm and all but carried him to their hotel room.

“What’s going on with you?” Taylor sat down on the bed and pulled Zac down next to him.

“I’m just exhausted, Tay.” Zac flopped onto his back and put his arms behind his head, letting his eyes close. “I miss our bed and I miss being home.” He felt the bed shift under him and he looked over at his brother to see him laying down next to him. He turned onto his side so that he was facing him and reached out, placing a hand on Taylor’s waist. “I miss you.”

“I’m right here, Zac.”

“I know, but we’ve barely had any time to ourselves in the past few months, do you know how hard it is to see you perform every night and not want to touch you, to kiss you, to show everyone that you belong to me?” Taylor’s eyes darkened, sending a shiver through Zac’s body.

“Yeah, actually, I do.” Taylor brought his hand to Zac’s cheek and ran his thumb over his bottom lip. Zac let his mouth drop open and Taylor pushed it inside. He swirled his tongue around the calloused pad and Taylor groaned, shifting his body so that he was pressed against him. “I see you behind that drum kit every night and I want to rip your clothes off.” He spoke low against Zac’s ear and he shivered, taking in more of his thumb. “I want everyone to see how beautiful you are, and I want them to know that you’re all mine.”

Taylor pulled his thumb out of Zac’s mouth and captured his lips with his, running his tongue along his lips before pushing into his mouth. Zac slid his hand under Taylor’s shirt and gripped his hip with enough force to leave a bruise. Taylor managed to get his shirt off before he realized what was happening, and then Taylor’s shirt joined it on the floor and before Zac knew it, they were naked on the bed, rutting against each other.

“I want to fuck you.” Zac’s face went red as the words blurted out of his mouth. He had been thinking them for so long and had gotten so good at not saying them, but apparently his subconscious was just not having the silence anymore. Taylor practically collapsed against Zac and moaned.

“You have no idea how long I’ve waited to hear you say that.”

“Why didn’t you ever say anything?” The heat was still in his face, he knew it, but he tried to keep his voice level.

“Because.” Taylor pushed himself up just enough to be able to looking to Zac’s eyes and cupped his cheek. “It needed to be your decision and yours alone.” Zac pushed himself up to kiss his brother, wrapping his arms around his shoulders and turning him onto his back, straddling his hips before sitting back up. Taylor gestured to the bedside table and he looked inside the top drawer, laughing when he saw lube and condoms.

“Do you always travel with sex accessories?” Zac laughed as he grabbed them both and tossed them on the bed.

“Not really. Isaac gave them to me, told me I’ve been wound too tight lately and needed to let loose.” Zac snorted and threw his head back, unable to contain his laughter.

“I’ll bet he never would guess that you’d be using them on me.” Taylor shrugged before reaching up and pulling Zac down to lay on top of him.

“What he doesn’t know won’t hurt him.” Zac smiled and kissed Taylor’s lips before moving down to his neck, biting at the spot he had long ago discovered. He worked one hand down Taylor’s body and grasped his cock in his hand, squeezing it at the base before pumping it a few times. Taylor moaned and threw his head back against the bed. Zac looked up at him and took a second to admire the way his hair fanned out around his head and the already blissed out expression on his face.

“You’re so beautiful.” He breathed out as he kissed his way down his chest. When he got to his dick, he took no time in taking the head in his mouth and swirling the tip with his tongue, pumping the shaft as he did so.

“Oh fuck, Zac, that feels so good.” One of Taylor’s hands wound its way into his hair and tugged lightly, causing Zac to moan. He reached up with his free hand and felt around blindly before his hands closed around the bottle of lube. He came up off of Taylor’s dick and popped the cap, squeezing some of the gel onto his fingers.

“I’ve never done this before.” He admitted softly, looking shyly up at his brother.

“I haven’t either.” Taylor grabbed his hand free hand and squeezed it. “It’ll be okay, just go slow.” Zac nodded and lowered himself back between Taylor’s legs, taking him into his mouth as he worked his fingers into Taylor. He had a vague idea of what he was supposed to do and once he was comfortable with one finger, he added a second and then a third. 

“Are you ready?” He sat up on his knees and looked up as his brother. Taylor nodded vigorously, unable to form words. He got the condom on without too much effort and positioned himself to push into his brother.

“I love you.” Taylor spoke, his voice cracking as Zac thrust into him little by little, his back arching up to meet him as he bottomed out.

“Oh god, Tay, you feel so good.” Zac pulled his hips back and thrust into Taylor again. He moaned and had to physically hold himself back from thrusting in and out as fast as possible so as not to hurt Taylor. 

“Zac, I’m good. Please, do something, anything!” Zac looked down into his brother’s face and saw the passion, saw how good he made him feel, and above all… He actually saw the love he held for him. 

“I love you.” He whispered, pressing his lips quickly to Taylor’s lips before working his hips back and forth, slamming into Taylor as though it would be the only time they would have together. The faces Taylor made as he got closer and closer to his orgasm turned Zac on more than he had ever been and before he knew it, he was thrusting in one last time before letting go. 

A whine came out of Taylor’s throat as though to remind Zac he hadn’t finished and he took him in hand, working his cock quickly and expertly, making him come in record time. Zac collapsed onto the bed next to him and tried to catch his breath. He looked over at Taylor and a smile overtook his face, he couldn’t help it - Taylor looked absolutely beautiful and he felt so lucky to be the person who got to see him like that. 

“Stop staring at me, you creep.” The hint of laughter in Taylor’s voice gave him away and Zac simply shook his head and kept looking. 

“I’ll stop looking when you stop being so gorgeous.” He almost laughed at his own cheesiness, but is wasn’t a lie. Taylor groaned and laughed as he got up from the bed. 

“Wow, Zac, that was really sickly sweet, even for you!” He walked into the bathroom, Zac kept his eyes on him the whole way, and came back with a wet washcloth. He took special care to clean Zac off thoroughly before wiping himself off as well. Zac turned onto his side as Taylor crawled back into the bed and wrapped his arms around him. 

“That was amazing.” Zac lay his head on Taylor’s chest and closed his eyes, feeling more content than he’d felt in months. 

“Yeah, it really was.” Taylor pressed a kiss to his head, causing Zac to smile softly before he fell asleep.

Maybe Disney World wasn’t so bad after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts, comments, ideas??? Hope y'all are loving reading this as much as I'm loving writing it. Thank you so much for sticking around <3


	11. Chapter 11

** Present **

Therapy was stupid. Absolutely, without a doubt, 100% a stupid waste of time, and Zac resented the fact that he told Taylor he would go. The second he stepped into Dr. Jones office and saw the posters with stupid inspirational sayings, he rolled his eyes harder than he’d ever rolled them in his life and almost walked right out the door. The only thing that stopped him was remembering what Taylor’s face looked like the night he promised he would get help. So he sat on the couch in front of Dr. Jones and didn’t talk much, grunts of acknowledgement here and one word answers there. After fifteen minutes of this, Dr. Jones put down her pen and pad of paper, clasped her hands in front of her, and looked at Zac with a piercing stare. 

“Zac, what are you hoping to get out of therapy?” He bit his lower lip and averted his gaze, feeling as though she could read his mind with her gaze. 

“I don’t know.” He mumbled, looking down into his lap finally when he couldn’t settle his eyes anywhere else in the room. 

“Well, let’s start with this - What brought you here in the first place?” 

“I promised my brother I would get help.” Dr. Jones nodded and smiled, not saying anything else, so he kept going. “Things haven’t been going really well lately, I guess. I’ve been drinking a lot, I used to have a problem when I was younger, and now I’ve started drinking again because…” He trailed off as a lump formed in his throat. 

“If you can’t talk about it today, it’s okay. Sometimes you have to let these things come out.” Dr. Jones’ voice was overly soothing and Zac wanted to scream and cry because he didn’t deserve someone being so nice to him. 

“I’ve started drinking again because I was raped as a kid. A lot. Molested, whatever. All of it. And the guy who did it, he…” Tears started streaming down his face as he forced the words out. “He got in trouble for doing it to other people, and these people have started coming out about it, and it’s just bringing all of these memories back to me, and I just, I want it to stop. I want it all to stop.”

\--

Taylor was waiting for him after therapy, sitting in the idling car in the office parking lot. Zac knew he looked a mess, he’d spent the last 30 minutes of the session crying without stopping, his nose was blocked and he was sure his face was swollen and red. He climbed into the passenger seat and clicked on his seatbelt, not turning to face his brother. 

“How’d it go?” Taylor’s voice was soft as he reached over and took one of Zac’s hands in his. Zac flinched and snatched his hand away from his brother’s grasp. He hadn’t meant to, it was just a reflex, especially since his mind was still reeling with everything he’d talked to Dr. Jones about. He knew without even looking at him that he’d hurt Taylor’s feelings, but couldn’t bare to look over and see it. It would just be another reminder of what a disappointment he was. Taylor cleared his throat before reaching over to the radio and turning it up loud enough that conversation would be impossible before putting the car in reverse and heading home. 

\--

Dr. Jones had recommended therapy twice a week until she felt as though Zac was out of crisis mode. She wanted to make sure that he wouldn’t do anything to harm himself, and he really felt like it wasn’t a bad idea. He would never admit it out loud, hell, he barely wanted to admit it to himself, but after a month of seeing her, he felt less like he wanted to die. It didn’t really mean he wanted to live, but he still saw it as a small improvement nonetheless. The biggest issue they tackled at first was his drinking. In order to start working on the trauma he’d faced as a child, he needed to have a clear head and drinking his pain away wasn’t going to help any of that. Taylor helped him a lot with that, they kept a dry house, Taylor not even bringing in his favorite beer in order to support Zac’s recovery fully. 

Taylor still occupied the guest room, Zac could feel the tension rolling between them even when things were going good, or as good as they could get anyway, considering the circumstances. Zac wanted more than anything to have Taylor back in their bed, sharing their space, but he didn’t know how to bring it up, nor did he even know how he would react if it were to happen. He wanted to think that therapy was making progress with him, but then sometimes Taylor would try to hold his hand and he would flinch automatically, and he knew he was still _wrong_. 

In his next visit with Dr. Jones, Zac finally broached the topic of his relationship with Taylor. He had a feeling she already suspected something was going on between them based off of how much Zac talked about him and the things they talked about, but he’d never just come right out and said it.

“I-I’ve been having problems with my boyfriend.” He felt his face turn red, he’d never really referred to Taylor as his boyfriend before, and it just sounded kind of weird. 

“Does it have to do with intimacy?” Dr. Jones guessed, giving him a reassuring smile. Zac nodded and bit his lower lip before continuing. 

“I want to be with him, really bad, but the idea of even sharing a bed with him right now, it just scares me. He tries to even hold my hand sometimes and I just jerk away from his touch, I don’t even mean to, but it just happens, and I know I’m going to lose him if I can’t get over this soon!”

“Zac, this is completely normal. You’re dealing with trauma, severe trauma, that has to do with sex and trust and boundaries. What you’re feeling is perfectly normal.” Zac tried to nod, to agree with her, but he still felt like he was broken, that he could be doing something more to make everything better. 

“I really miss him. He sleeps in the guest room, he has since news broke about Jeff, and I just want to have him back in our bed.” Tears formed in his eyes and he blinked rapidly, trying to dispel them. “I love Taylor so much, I can’t lose him.” Almost immediately, he realized what he’d done and looked up at Dr. Jones in horror. “Oh god, I, uh, oh fuck, I -” She cut him off. 

“Do you mean Taylor your brother, Zac?” He swallowed hard a few times, trying to speak, but finally gave up trying and just nodded his head. She sighed and put her pen down. “How long had this been going on with him?” 

“Since always.” He whispered. He coughed and cleared his throat before clarifying. “Well, since like, 2005 or something? But we’ve always been close. He was the first person, well, the only person to know about what happened, until Christmas.” 

“And how do you feel about your relationship with him?” 

“He’s the only person I feel 100% safe with. Even before he knew what was going on, he was on my side. He’s always been my rock, always been the one person I could count on no matter what.” 

“Do you feel as though you two have a healthy relationship?” Zac immediately nodded his head, a bit of anger flaring inside of him at the insinuation that it wasn’t. 

“He is the most healthy relationship in my life. Without him, I probably wouldn’t be alive today.” Dr. Jones nodded and looked down at her pad of paper, scribbling something before looking back up at him. 

“Look, Zac, I just need to ask one more thing where this is concerned. I know this isn’t why you came to me, but since it’s come up, it’s my duty to ask. Did this relationship with your brother begin after you were 18?” 

“Yes, and I know what you’re getting at, Dr. Jones, but he isn’t using me or abusing me or anything. I know it’s not normal and probably gross or whatever, I get it, but I love him, and he hasn’t ever done anything to me to hurt me.” Dr. Jones nodded. 

“Alright. This is important information to have, and I think we can work together to try to make things relatively “normal” between you and Taylor again.” 

\--

June marked three months in therapy for Zac, and he was feeling like there was finally a light at the end of the tunnel. It was still had to wake up some days, but the bad outweighed the good, and was learning a lot of good coping mechanisms for the bad days as well. Taylor was still sleeping in the guest room, much to Zac’s dismay, but things had started progressing in a positive way that he was happy with. He no longer flinched when Taylor took his hand, and they spent most nights cuddled on the couch, watching stupid TV, Zac not paying attention to much of it. Things were finally looking up, which, of course, is why they had to come crashing down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't kill me! It just seemed like the perfect place to end it! Let me know your thoughts, ideas, etc. Can't wait to hear from y'all!


	12. Chapter 12

** Present **

Jeff Fenster was arrested June 3rd, 2019 on 12 counts of sexual harassment and three counts of sexual abuse of a minor. It started off as any ordinary day for Zac, he woke up, took a shower, made breakfast and sat down on the couch to enjoy his morning Dr. Pepper when his phone rang. He looked at the screen and couldn’t help but smile as Taylor’s name and picture flashed up at him. 

“Hey babe.” He pressed the phone to his cheek and slid it between his face and shoulder before taking a sip of the soda. 

“Are you at home?” Taylor’s voice came through the other line sounding hurried and extremely anxious, which instantly put Zac on edge. He sat up on the couch and set his soda down on the coffee table in front of him. 

“Taylor, what’s wrong?” 

“Are you home?” Taylor repeated his question, ignoring Zac, and he sighed in frustration. 

“Yes, I’m home, what’s wrong?” 

“I’ll be there in five minutes.” Taylor hung up before he could say another word. Zac got up from the couch and began pacing, glancing at the door every other second, waiting for his brother to come home. He didn’t know what to expect when it happened, but he knew it was something bad. 

It felt like 20 years had passed when Taylor finally swung open the door. Zac wanted to run to him, to shake him, to get the words out, but Taylor was on the phone and had a coffee in one hand and his messenger bag in the other, so instead of shaking himm, Zac simply took his coffee and hsi bag and let him conclude his conversation. 

“Yeah, ma, I know, I promise. Look, I just got home, he’s here, just. I’ll call you if I need to, okay? Love you.” He didn’t even wait for a response from what Zac could tell before he dropped the phone on the coffee table next to Zac’s forgotten soda and wrapped his arms around him. As much as the anxiety still filled him up, Taylor’s touch was enough to help ease it just a little bit. He returned the embrace and let his brother hold him for a minute before speaking. 

“Are you ever gonna tell me what’s wrong?” Taylor stiffened in his arms and he pulled back, looking into his eyes. He saw anger in his eyes, but above that, he saw fear, and he didn’t like that. “Taylor, what happened.” He was no longer asking what was going on, he was demanding to know what was going on because if it was enough to strike that kind of look onto Taylor’s face, he knew he needed to know. 

“Okay, before I tell you, just know that no matter what, you have everyone’s full support, okay?” He tried to put his hands on Zac’s shoulders to lead him back, to sit on the couch, but he resisted. 

“Taylor, if you don’t tell me right now, I swear to god, I will call mom and dad and -”

“We got a letter from an attorney today.” Taylor cut him off as he reached for his messenger bag and rifled through it before pulling out an envelope. He looked it it, then up at Zac, took a deep breath, and handed it to him. “It’s to all of us, but you’re the one who needs to read it.” Zac already felt an anxiety attack coming on, he didn’t know what the letter said, but something told him that what it contained was just bad news. He reached out and took the envelope and opened it carefully, trying to stall as he pulled the letter out and smoothed the creases.

_To Whom This May Concern:_

_We are contacting you today regarding your working relationship with Mr. Jeff Fenster from the years 1995-2002…_

Zac read the letter once, then twice, then a third time, before looking back up at Taylor, tears in his eyes as he struggled to take a deep breath. “How do they know?” He sat down on the sofa and let the paper fall to the ground as he curled up into himself. Taylor sat down next to him and wrapped an arm around his shoulder, pulling him close. 

“Zac, you’ve gotta breathe.” He knew he needed to breathe, his head was yelling at him to do it, his lungs were begging for it, but he couldn’t stop the rapid intake of air. He started feeling lightheaded and faint and didn’t even realize that Taylor had shifted him so that his head was laying against his chest. “Zac, listen to my heart. Do you hear that?” Zac tried to nod, but couldn’t - It was taking all of his energy to listen to the rhythm of Taylor’s heart under his head. “You need to match your breathing to that, babe, okay?” 

It took a few minutes, a lot of coaxing, and a few soothing back rubs before Zac stopped feeling like he was about to die and his breathing was even enough to provide oxygen to his body. 

“You okay?” Taylor pressed his lips to the top of Zac’s head and gave him a kiss, something that provided more comfort than Zac would have guessed it would have. He nodded before pulling back and sitting with his back against the couch. 

“That was probably the last thing I expected to read.” He said softly, rubbing his eyes with the heels of his hands, trying to rub the tears and fatigue away. “How did they know to contact us?” 

“It sounds more like a form letter to me, honestly. I think the attorney sent a letter to everyone associated with Fenster in a working manner to see if they could find more victims.” Zac nodded, knowing Taylor was being logical, but fear that he had been found out still bothered him in the back of his mind. 

“Yeah.” He looked down at his hands and shrugged. 

“Are you going to contact them?” Zac could feel the kid gloves Taylor was using on his while asking the question and it just caused anger to flare inside of him. 

“Are you joking me?!” He looked up at his brother and glared at him. “Why, so everyone will know what happened to me? So that I become the butt of every joke? So that all of the asshole comments about us being girls or being gay can come up again just to poke fun at what happened to me?!” He was shaking and didn’t even realize it until Taylor reached out and placed his hand over his, stilling them. 

“Zac, I’m just asking. I’m not accusing, I’m not saying you should or shouldn’t. The first thing I said to you when I got home was that we will support you no matter what you decide.” He ducked his head so that he caught Zac’s eye and flashed a small smile. “I will support you no matter what you decide to do. You got that?” 

Relief flooded through Zac’s body and he leaned forward, giving Taylor a small kiss on the lips. “I’m sorry for flipping out. I just, I didn’t expect to ever be contacted about it, ya know?” Taylor nodded and slipped an arm around Zac’s waist, pulling him into his embrace. 

“I know. But you’re safe here, no matter what.” 

“I know.” 

\--

Night came a lot quicker than Zac figured it would, considering how weighed down his brain was. He expected the day to drag on for years, gnawing at him in a way only the worst kind of day could, but before he knew it, it was closing in on 11pm and he was beat. He turned off the TV in the living room and made his way down the hall to the bedrooms. He stopped at Taylor’s closed door and listened for a minute, knocking when he heard the muffled sound of the TV still on. 

“Come in.” He opened the door and stepped inside, looking at his brother laying on the bed, looking ready to fall asleep at any second. 

“Can I stay with you tonight?” He’d been wanting to bring up Taylor moving back into the the master bedroom with him for months, but he’d been too chicken to do it. He just imagined Taylor turning him down over and over again in his head and the fear of that was enough to keep him from doing it.   
“Of course you can.” Taylor moved over enough for Zac to slip into the bed with him and pulled the covers up over them. Zac turned so that he was facing his brother and reached out his hand, letting it rest on Taylor’s cheek. He ran his thumb over his bottom lip before leaning in and capturing his mouth with his own, pouring every ounce of love into the touch. Taylor made a small noise of surprise, but reciprocated the gesture, opening his mouth and pushing his tongue out to press against Zac’s mouth. 

“We interrupt this broadcast to bring you breaking news - Former Record Executive, Jeff Fenster, has been arrested in LA County on 12 counts of sexual harassment and three counts of sexual abuse of a minor. He is being held at LA County jail pending bail.” 

It took a few seconds for the words to sink in, but when they did, Zac pulled away from Taylor and looked at him, jaw hanging open. 

“Did you just hear what I just heard?” Taylor nodded, clearly unable to form words. “Holy shit.” He was unable to say anything else, he fully expected his mind to be racing, thinking about all of the others, rehashing everything that had happened in a split second like he did sometimes, but for once, his mind was just blank.

The monster had been caught.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wellllll... We're nearing the end, folks! Only one chapter left and my first alone, long Hanson fanfic will be completed! Thank you to everyone who had followed along, read, commented, etc. PLEASE let me know what you think of this chapter, it was an... Interesting one to write.


	13. Chapter 13

** Present **

The clock ticked by, second by second, as Zac sat in Dr. Jones office, waiting for his hour to be up. He’d made an emergency appointment for the next day at Taylor’s insistence - He thought Zaac would need the extra session to try to process what had happened with Jeff the night before, but really the only thing Zac could do was wish he was at home or really anywhere but there. 

“So, Zac, are we going to talk about why you wanted an emergency session or are we just going to sit in silence for another 45 minutes?” Dr. Jones had a way of making her questions sound light hearted when they should have sounded condescending, and he really wished he knew how to do that.

“Taylor made me call you.” He shrugged and looked down at his lap, playing with a lose thread in his jeans. 

“Okay, we can start there. Why did he want you to call me?” Zac didn’t miss how she switched Taylor’s actions to a suggestion instead of a demand, though really Taylor _had_ made him call - he picked up his cell phone first thing that morning, dialed her number, and forced the phone to his ear. 

“Jeff Fenster was arrested last night.” He said quietly, not looking up from his lap. He’d talked to Dr. Jones about being molested frequently, seeing as that was the reason for his seeing her in the first place, but he’d never told her his name before - it didn’t seem safe. 

“Jeff Fenster…” She trailed off, sounding like she was going deep into thought. He glanced up at her and could practically see the wheels turning in her head. “The name sounds familiar, but it’s not ringing any bells.” 

“He was the head of A&R at our record label before we cut ties.” He paused, taking a deep breath. “He was the one who raped me.” Silence hung in the air long enough that Zac looked up at Dr. Jones and was surprised to see her look a little shocked. “I never told you his name before.” He whispered. “I was too scared.” She snapped out of her stupor and painted a small smile on her face, nodding. 

“Of course you were. He’s a powerful figure, or was, at least, obviously I don’t know much about him now. But now he’s behind bars. How does that make you feel?” 

“I don’t know.” _Scared shitless that I’ll be asked to testify against him_ , he thought to himself, but the idea of saying it out loud felt too selfish - shouldn't he want to testify against the person who hurt him, who hurt so many others, in order to ensure he never hurt anyone ever again?  
“That’s perfectly normal, Zac. It’s unexpected and a shock, so it’s perfectly fine to be confused or upset or perhaps, afraid?” He bit his lip and nodded slightly. 

“I don’t know what to do here. I feel like I should be overly happy to the point that I’m ecstatic, but I mostly just feel numb. And yeah, I’m… Scared.” He hated admitting it, it made him feel weak, he stopped admitting he was scared when he was 13 years old, and it just brought him back to that time again. 

“Are you scared that he’ll find a way to contact you again?” 

“What, no?” Zac’s head snapped up and he looked at her with what he was sure was pure fear in his eyes. “Is that something he can do?! I haven’t heard from him in years, would this really make him want to reach out to me? For what, what good would that do, why would he do that?” Panic had set in and his breathing had intensified rapidly to the point that he was practically panting. 

“Zac, I need you to breathe slower, concentrate on what you’re doing, breathe with intention, remember?” Dr. Jones leaned forward in her seat and reached out to him, handing him a box of tissues to help sop up the tears he had just realized were coming down his cheeks.He grabbed a tissue and started wiping at his face while he tried to concentrate on having his breaths come in and out more slowly, more controlled, so that he didn’t throw himself into a full blown panic attack. “You okay?”

“I think so.” He nodded and leaned back into the couch, suddenly exhausted from the efforts of trying to keep himself together. 

“Good. You did a good job calming yourself down, Zac, you’ve learned so much, you should be proud of yourself.” He bit his lip and shrugged. 

“I guess.” 

“Truly, Zac.” He looked up at her and she smiled, nodding her head. “You remember the first panic attack you had in my office? You were here for almost two hours before you were able to get under control. I think that a minute of freaking out before getting it together again is a really huge success. You’ve done some amazing things here.” He had always been really bad at taking compliments, and trying to take a compliment on how well he handled his emotional breakdown was even more uncomfortable than usual. 

“Now, as for your question about Jeff.” Zac was instantly back on edge, the name sending shards of ice down his spine. “I don’t see why his arrest would cause him to contact you. If you two have been out of contact for this long, I really don’t say that he would contact you, but I can’t guarantee that he wouldn’t, or at the very least, have his lawyer do it. He is going to be looking to clear his name, and his lawyer will probably call up every past and present client of his to use as a character witness.” 

“I got a letter from an attorney already, yesterday actually. Not his attorney, but one that is representing one of the victim’s, or at least, I assume that’s who they’re representing. They want more people to come forward against him, to find all of his victims so that we can testify and put him away.” Dr. Jones nodded and scribbled a few things on her notepad before looking back up at him. 

“I see. And how did you react to this letter?” 

“I freaked out, kind of like I just did, only Taylor was with me and helped me calm down.” 

“That’s good, that’s really good, Zac, that he can help you and knows when you need it.” She wrote a few more things down, taking a bit longer than usual, causing Zac to squirm a little in the uncomfortable silence. “How do you feel about receiving the letter?” 

“Scared.” He didn’t even have time to hold the word back, he was too tired, his brain too discombobulated, to try to put up any kind of defense. 

“What are you scared of?” 

“I don’t want to testify against him.” He felt tears well up in his eyes again and he took another tissue, bringing it to his eyes and rubbing them fiercely, trying to prevent them from falling. “But I feel like I should, because he, he hurt me, and he hurt so many others, and he shouldn’t get away with it, but I don’t want to me in the same room as him. I don’t want to be in the same _state_ as him!” Dr. Jones took a few seconds to ponder, long enough again that Zac grew unsettled in the silence, but he stayed quiet. 

“Zac, you’re allowed to not testify against him. You know that, right? No one can make you do something you don’t want to do.”

“But I should want to, shouldn’t I?!” His voice broke at the end of his question as he started crying again. “Shouldn’t I want to keep him from doing this to anyone else? To keep him from doing it to some other little kid like me?” 

“If that’s what you truly want to do Zac, then yes, by all means, you should. But you don’t have to, and no, you don’t have to want to either. What is best for you is the only thing that matters here.” Zac’s jaw dropped as he let her words settle. He didn’t have to testify? He wasn’t a bad person for not wanting to? He… He could just pretend that he was never asked in the first place? 

“You mean it? I really don’t have to do it?” Dr. Jones nodded. 

“No one can force you to do anything, ever, first of all, and second of all, you came to me because you needed help. Your mental health has been suffering for so long because of what this man did to you, and if you seeing him is just going to force you further back in your recovery and harm your mental health even further, you shouldn’t do it.” She placed her pad of paper on the table in front of her and leaned forward, resting her elbows on her knees. “You are the only person who can decide what is best for you. You’ve been given the tools to do so, and it’s up to you to determine how to use them to do that. You’re allowed to say no.” 

Saying no was something he hadn’t been allowed to do, ever, when it came to Jeff. When he was 12, he had to say yes or the band would suffer. When he was 14, he had to say yes or the band would suffer. When he was 16, he had to say fucking _yes_ or the band would suffer! Being told now that he was allowed to say no? It almost felt like…

Liberation. He felt like he could scream with happiness and cry with joy and fly off into the sunset, a completely new person. He was allowed to say no, for the first time in his life. For the first time in his life, he was allowed to put himself first. 

\--

Taylor was waiting for him at the house when he got back from the doctor’s office. As soon as the door opened and Zac stepped inside, Taylor leapt up from the couch, obviously waiting for him. 

“How’d it go?” He stepped into Zac’s space, but didn’t reach out to hug him, waiting to see if Zac would initiate contact or to see if he needed space. Zac nodded and closed the distance between them, wrapping his arms around his waist and burying his face in his chest. Taylor’s arms were instandlt around his shoulders, making him feel as though he was in the safest place he could possibly be. 

“She said I’m allowed to say no. That I don’t have to testify.” He pulled back enough so that his speech wasn’t garbled by Taylor’s shirt. Taylor looked at him a little confused, but with a small smile on his face. 

“Um, yeah, you definitely are allowed to do that.” He paused and tilted his head, obviously trying to figure out what to say. “Just because the lawyer sent a letter asking you to come to court doesn’t mean you have to. That’s your decision to make.” 

“Yeah, I know that now.” Zac felt a little bit of anger well up inside of him and he stepped out of his brother’s reach, crossing his arms in front of his chest. “I didn’t yesterday. I just thought that I had to do it. Or at least I had to want to do it, ya know?” 

“Um, well, no, Zac, I’m sorry, but I don’t really know.” Before Zac could start screaming at him, Taylor rushed to keep talking, putting his hands up in front of himself. “I thought you knew you didn’t have to, Zac, I thought you knew that this was different, that it was your decision.” 

“Nothing in this situation has ever been my decision, Taylor!” He threw his hands up in the air and stomped into the kitchen. He flung the door to the fridge open, wincing then it clanged against the cabinet behind it, and took a can of Dr. Pepper out. He opened it and drained half of it at once, wishing that it was whiskey instead. Maybe the anger and frustration and sadness and all of the stupid feelings mixed up inside of him would just go away if he could just get something to drink. 

Taylor appeared around the corner and approached cautiously. Zac almost wanted to laugh because it was rare to see Taylor almost scared, but then he realized that it was him that he was scared of, and suddenly it wasn’t so funny. “I think I keep saying the wrong thing, Zac, and I’m really sorry for that. I know you didn’t have a choice back then. I just want to make sure you know you have a choice now, and that no matter what you choose, I’ll be by your side, 100% of the way.” 

Zac took another couple of sips of his soda, letting Taylor’s words sink in, before he put the can down on the counter and nodded. “Okay. I know this hasn’t been easy on you either, I know I’m a really hard person to deal with.” 

“Zac, no.” Taylor stepped forward and placed his hands on his shoulders, looking into his eyes. “You’re no hard to deal with, at all. You have shit going on, and you’re dealing with it. And I’m choosing to be with you through it, just like I always promised you I would.” Zac felt tears at the back of his eyes again, and he blinked a few times. If he never cried again, it would be too damn soon. 

“Thanks, Tay. You know I love you, right?” Taylor smiled and squeezed his shoulders. 

“Of course I know. I love you, too. Forever.” 

\--

As much as Zac tried to avoid the details of Jeff’s trial, it was hard to miss. The TV stations covered it like it was the trial of the century and it hadn’t even started yet! A lot of the victims started coming forward, giving their statements to the press, but anyone involved in the trial had to keep anything they said to a minimum until it was over. 

Zac had taken to not even turning on the cable box, instead flipping on his playstation and playing games all day. He kept going to see Dr. Jones and at her suggestion, he also took up working out, something to try to clear his mind and also to keep him sober. He was proud to say he hadn’t taken a drink since Taylor’s birthday meltdown, and he barely even craved it anymore. Taylor was sober with him, no matter how much he insisted he didn’t have to do that with him. 

“I know I don’t have to, Zac, but I want to. I want to support you, and besides, I want to make sure that every minute I spend with you is a memory I will always remember. I don’t want the fuzz of alcohol to keep me from remembering how your face looks when you’re looking at me like you love me.” Zac rolled his eyes, but felt his face go hot. 

“I don’t look at you that way.” 

“Oh honey, I hate to break it to you, but that’s the only way you look at me. You better watch out, someone will start questioning us one day because your heart eyes just can’t be hidden!” Zac tackled him, trying to get him to shut up because god, he did NOT look at him like that at all, but then that led into other things and well. Taylor eventually did shut up, anyway. 

\--

Months went by faster than ever - Zac had started writing some new songs, something he hadn’t really done for quite some time, and it felt good to flex those muscles again. The band started going back into the studio to record something new here and there, though there still weren’t any plans set in stone for a new album. He knew the fans were screaming for one, it had been over six years after all, but he still needed time to focus on himself and his recovery, so he felt okay saying no - Not no forever, just no, not right now. And he didn’t feel bad for sticking to it. 

He probably wouldn’t have even known when the trial was starting if it weren’t for his mother calling him. They tried to talk often, though more often than not, their conversations turned into Diana talking about how guilty she felt for not helping him and Zac trying to comfort her. He loved her, but it got exhausting and really, he didn’t feel like being the one to do the comforting. Taylor and he had just gotten back from the studio when his cell phone rang. He almost groaned when “Mom” flashed across the screen, but he’d put her through to voicemail twice during the week already, so he knew he needed to answer. 

“Hey, mom. How are ya?” 

“Oh, Zachary, so wonderful to hear your real voice and not your voicemail voice!” Zac rolled his eyes, but tried to keep the frustration out of his voice - She just cared about him and wanted to make sure he was doing okay. 

“Yeah, sorry, we’ve been really busy at the studio, things are coming together really well for a few songs.”

“Oh, I’m so glad to hear that!” As much as he wanted to believe she just called to chat, her voice sounded distracted, and he sighed. 

“Okay, mom, what is it that you want?” Diana let out a disgruntled huff from the other side of the phone. 

“Excuse me for wanting to talk to you, I’m hurt by the implication I would need to be calling you for something!” Zac rolled his eyes, he knew her better than that. “I heard that eye roll, mister, don’t think I didn’t!” He had to laugh, she knew him just as well! 

“Mom, come on, I can tell you called for a reason other than to just say hi, so just be on with it.” She sighed, and he could practically feel her anxiety coursing through from the other line. 

“I just wanted to see how you were doing with the news of the trial starting tomorrow and all.” Zac stopped the pacing he had picked up on and stood staring at the wall. 

“Wait, what?” 

“Oh sweetheart, I thought you knew.” Her voice took on an edge of caution and that threw his walls up. 

“Why would I know, mom? I haven’t been following it because I’m not testifying, so there’s no reason to keep tabs on it when all it does is make me feel like throwing up all the time.” His voice was sharp, probably too sharp considering he was talking to his mom, but he couldn’t really bring himself to care that much. 

“I just thought you would be keeping some kind of an eye on it, honey, I don’t know. It’s a big deal, you know, and I just thought -” Zac cut her off. 

“You just thought I would want to relive the worst moments of my life over and over again every single day for months on end? Yeah, mom, okay, that’s definitely how I would want to spend my time.” His throat started seizing up and he knew he was about to start crying. “I’ve gotta go mom.” He pulled the phone from his ear and hit the end button before she could say another word. Anger was throbbing in every fiber of his being and he wanted to kick something, break something, kill something. How could she be so callous about the situation?! She, of all people, should be able to understand how to handle the situation! 

“Hey.” Taylor poked his head around the corner of the living room. “You okay?” The look on Taylor’s face showed he knew Zac wasn’t okay, but he was trying not to show he had been eavesdropping on his conversation. 

“Not really.” He admitted, collapsing on the couch and pulling his legs up to his chest. “Mom can be so stupid sometimes. I swear, I love her, but why would she think that I want to know about the trial?” Taylor joined him on the couch and put a comforting hand on his knee. 

“She’s just looking out for you and making sure you’re alright. I’m sure she really thought you were keeping tabs, so of course she would check in to see that you were fine before it starts.” Zac let his legs drop and he leaned into Taylor, resting his head on his shoulder. 

“Yeah, I guess so. I just can’t wait until this whole thing is over and I can move on with my life like it had never happened.” 

“You know it’ll never be that easy.” 

“I know. But if I pretend it is, maybe one day it will be.” Zac closed his eyes and sighed. “Can we take a shower and put on a movie? I need to clear my head.” 

“Of course. Let me go start the water, join me in a few.” 

\--

Try as he might, Zac couldn’t sleep. He considered taking medication just to get a few hours of shut eye, but he didn’t feel like having the weird medicated hangover feeling the next day. Instead, he picked up his phone and started tapping around on different social media sites, reading stupid articles about this and that that didn’t even make a difference, until he ended up looking at flights to LA. Of course he wasn’t going to fly out there, no way, but why not look…? 

Before he knew it, he’d leapt out of bed and had pulled a duffle bag from his closet and was shoving clothes and toiletries into it. He tried to be quiet, but he was also trying to be quick, and both of those things couldn’t happen at the same time. Taylor kept stirring in the bed and Zac winced every time it happened until finally Taylor sat up in bed and rubbed his eyes. 

“Zac, what are you doing?” Zac simply ignored him and kept rushing around the room, throwing in a book and his phone charger before going to Taylor’s side of the bed and grabbing his charger too. Taylor reached out and grabbed his wrist, making him stop and look at him. “Zac, what’s up?” 

“You need to get up, we need to leave in 10 minutes. I think I packed everything we need, though you might want to double check that I didn’t forget anything important. And you need to get dressed.” 

“Zac, what the fuck are you talking about?” Taylor swung his legs to the floor and stood up, standing in front of Zac in order to have his full attention. “Where are we going?” 

“We’re going to LA. There’s a flight that leaves in 45 minutes, so we need to go if we don’t want to miss it. I got the tickets already, so just… Ya know, start moving.” Taylor dropped his hand Zac’s wrist and looked at him with a dropped jaw. 

“Are you sure? We’re going to LA?” Zac took a deep breath and nodded. 

“Yes. We’re going to LA.” 

The flight seemed to last a lifetime, and as soon as the wheels touched down, Zac wished he was back home, in his bed, wrapped up in the safety of Taylor’s arms. Taylor must have felt him tense up because he slipped his hand into his and gave it a squeeze. 

“Everything will be alright. I’m here, every step of the way.” Zac looked over at him and gave him a tight smile, wishing more than anything he could kiss him. 

“I love you.” He mumbled, biting his lip and squeezing his hand back.

“I love you, too.” 

They found a hotel close to the courthouse that had an available room and dumped their bags. It was only 5am, the two hour time difference from Tulsa to LA kind of worked in their favor, and while Zac was exhausted, he knew he wouldn’t be able to sleep. “I think the attorney representing the victims is getting there at 8am, with opening statements starting at 9.” His stomach kept turning into knots and he felt like he was going to be sick every time he thought about where he was. 

“Okay, that’s only a few hours away. Let’s lay down for a little bit, you need to try to relax, you look like you’re going to jump out of the window.” Taylor tried to keep the mood light and for that, Zac was grateful, but in all honesty, he really did feel like he was going to jump out the window, if it would open anyway. Taylor lay down on the bed and Zac followed suit, letting himself be wrapped up in his brothers arms. Taylor started humming a familiar tune, some song Zac was sure he’d heard before, but couldn’t quite place it. Whatever it was, it was helping him calm down and before he knew it, his eyes were drifting shut and he was fast asleep. 

A gentle shake started to nudge Zac back into consciousness and he groaned. “Five more minutes.” A laugh sounded in his ear and he opened his eyes wearily, surprised to find himself not in his room at home. 

“You really should get up, it’s 7:30, we need to get dressed and call an Uber to get down there.” 

“Oh shit.” He sat up quick, suddenly remembering where he was and more importantly, why he was there. He was in LA. He was going to testify at Jeff Fenster’s trial. Holy. Shit. “This was a really bad idea, Tay.” He scrambled up off of the bed and began pacing in front of it, running his hands through his hair, pulling on it slightly as his anxiety got the best of him. Taylor hopped to his feet and stepped in front of him, stopping him from moving. 

“Zac, if you don’t want to do this anymore, that’s perfectly fine, but I really think you want to.” He leaned in and pressed a soft kiss to Zac’s lips, distracting him enough to make his hands fall from his hair to lean into the touch. 

“I want to do this.” He confirmed as he pulled back, looking into Taylor’s eyes. “I’m doing this for me, and I’m doing this for the little kid who couldn’t speak out all those years ago.” Taylor nodded and smiled. 

“You are one of the bravest people I know.” He walked over to their bags and began pulling clothes out until he found their suits. He shook them out a little, frowning at the small wrinkles that had formed. Zac knew he wanted to say something, but luckily he bit his tongue - Zac wasn’t in the mood to be lectured for not packing the clothes correctly. 

Taylor handed Zac his suit and they dressed quickly and quietly, Taylor sensing that he didn’t want to talk right then. Once they were ready to go, Zac turned to his brother and took a deep breath. “I couldn’t do this without you.” 

“Yeah, you could, but I’ll always be at your side.”

They took the elevator downstairs and were able to get an Uber quite quickly. They rode in silence for the 10 minute drive, the driver tried to make small talk, but when all he got were grunts in response, he thankfully shut up. When they finally pulled up in front of the courthouse, Zac got out before he could talk himself out of it and stared at the building. Taylor followed and placed his hand on his back. “You ready?” 

Zac looked over at his brother, and then back at the courthouse, and finally nodded. “Yeah. I’m ready.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy crap, y'all, it's done. I can't even believe it, honestly, this is my first long Hanson fic that I've posted by myself, and it's been a wild freaking ride! Thank you to everyone who had supported me along the way, especially TragicLove for being the BEST damn cheerleader I could have ever asked for! She kept me going when I really thought I couldn't, and it entirely possible even START this, let along finish it! 
> 
> I love hearing all of your feedback, and I love having you around. Thank you for supporting me while I wrote this (really freaking hard) story, and sticking around when I wasn't posting frequent updates. Y'all are THE BEST. <3


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